Miracle 2024

The year-end holiday season.

In America, it is said that miracles happen during the year-end holidays- Christmas.

One of my favorite quotes is, “there are two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle.  the other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein, 1879~1955

Several miracles happened this year as well.

I want to share with you about a Christmas miracle that happened in my house.

 

On December 6th, after my usual walk with my dog ​​family, my oldest dog, Lumi, developed a severe heart attack, was breathing heavily, and couldn’t move at all. All I could do was stay by her side.

I applied Animal Reiki, meridian acupressure on her heart and lung pressure points, and administered four drops of Bach Flower Rescue Remedy every 5 minutes.

The youngest puppy, Makani, who is very attached to Lumi, came next to Lumi and watched over her.

Lumi couldn’t move, but she was doing her best.

I video-called my husband, Eric, and let Lumi hear his voice.

Lumi said she would wait for Eric’s father to come home, but Lumi passed out after the call.

Her eyes remained open, unfocused, and unaware of my words and actions.

Lumi turns 15 next month, so I couldn’t help but think this was her last moment.

 

(Two years ago I wrote a blog about how Lumi came into my life on Lumi’s 13th birthday.)

 

I took a deep breath, calmed down, remembered what I had learned from raising a family of about 20 animals over the past 30 years and helping many rescue animals as an animal rescue volunteer, and did what I could.

 

Miraculously, Lumi regained consciousness several hours later.

But she was still breathing heavily and couldn’t move at all, so I communicated with Lumi and told her, “If you need to go to heaven, I will mentally prepare.”

Then Lumi said, “I am still here, Mommy. I am not going anywhere; I would wait for Daddy.”

 

When Eric came home, Lumi was weak, but she was happy to see him and show the strength of her life force and her presence through her eye movement.

Lumi couldn’t drink or eat anything, so we made her therapeutic drinks and liquid food. Lumi took a little bit of both.

After Lumi had the drinks and food, she seemed calm. I asked Lumi how she felt, and although it took a while for her to respond, she answered, “I didn’t know what was going on, and I couldn’t breathe, so I was scared.”

So I said, “Yeah, it was scary, but it’s okay now. You are still with us.”

I won’t go anywhere and will stay by your side. ” Then Lumi slowly closed her eyes, her breathing calmed down much more, and she fell asleep.

Lumi was going through living and dying and is trying her best to get better through the transition period, so I made a mixture of Bach Flower Remedies for Fear and Transition and sprayed it around Lumi and over her pows every 15 minutes.

 

I decided to make my bed next to her on the living room floor and sleep on the floor with her.

The first night, she breathed heavily when my hands left her, so I gave her Reiki or a gentle rub, and then she fell asleep for a little while.

 

I put a diaper on Lumi so she could lie down if she needed to pee or poop, but Lumi kept trying to get up in the middle of the night, and her breathing got worse every time.

But Lumi was stubborn and didn’t want to use diapers, so I didn’t know what to do. When I thought about it, I realized that if I were Lumi, I might be the same, so I thought about what I could do for Lumi. I picked her up and carried her outside the garden.

 

At that moment, Lumi was breathing very heavily and her heart was beating so fast that I could hear it, and I was filled with fear that Lumi’s heart might stop beating. I started blaming myself for taking Lumi outside, and when I closed my eyes, I realized that the sound of that heartbeat was also my own. So I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I saw Lumi trying her best to find a place to pee, and I could tell that Lumi was doing her best even in times like this, so I told myself to ignore my whining. The only choice I had was to do everything I could to support Lumi.

 

Suddenly, I gently hugged Lumi and said, “I’m with Lumi. I love you!”

Then, Lumi’s heartbeat became a little quieter, and she found a place to pee and was looking toward the house, so I carried her back inside.

After that, Lumi asked twice to go outside, so I did the same thing for her, and at dawn, she seemed to be able to sleep soundlessly.

I was able to do what I could for her, just out of love, without doubt, or worry thinking.

 

I contacted Dr. Lane, a holistic veterinarian, but she was unavailable due to the holiday season, so the next day, I called Nancy, an animal healing specialist at Santa Monica Homeopathic Pharmacy, to discuss Lumi’s condition, and Eric got some homeopathic medicine.

 

Lumi had already been diagnosed with a heart murmur by Dr. Lane and has been taking herbal and homeopathic medicines for that purpose. After this episode, I suspect that Lumi may have fluid buildup in her lungs and heart, just like Lumi’s daughter Happy, who passed away in February this year. That’s why I decided to have Lumi balance out fluid in her heart and lungs.

We got heart medication, the fluid resolved, and we continued giving her Bach Flower, animal Reiki, massage, animal communication, and meridian point acupuncture with moxibustion.

We decided to try to improve Lumi’s health through all remedies, homeopathic medicine, healing foods, and our love.

 

Lumi still has a strong will to live.

Lumi’s health condition has been improving.

Thanks to her determination and our family’s efforts, Lumi can now eat her favorite mochi (soft rice cake) in the morning and eat homemade food (not more liquid food) and slowly walk out of the garden on her own.

The other day, she was determined to walk outside our yard, so I took her for very short walks. When Lumi gets tired, she tries to return instead of moving forward, so I respected her wishes and returned home immediately.

 

Lumi wanted to see Ocean on Christmas day.

 

Lumi said hello to everyone she passed, lay down on the sand, and enjoyed feeling the breeze.

 

On the way back, Lumi seemed a little tired and wouldn’t move on the sand, so when I held her, she was happy. She walked along the sidewalk on her own, sniffed many scents, and was satisfied.

Even as I write this blog, Lumi is sleeping comfortably with Makani at my feet, and when I tried to take a photo, Makani looked up.

Our Christmas miracle in 2024!

I hope you all find miraculous moments as we enter the new year.

 

Love, 

Sanae ❤️

 

*Bonus:

What I found out about dog heart murmur.

“A dog with a heart murmur may experience a seizure-like event called syncope, which is a temporary loss of consciousness:

Syncope – Also known as fainting, syncope can occur when a dog’s heart is unable to pump enough oxygenated blood to the brain. This can be caused by an abnormal heart rhythm or arrhythmia, which can be very fast, very slow, or irregular. Syncope can look like a seizure, but there are some key differences.

Japanese Loquat Leaves and Pine Needles Tincture-Making Workshop

My mother made loquat tinctures for the last 20 years of her life.

As long as I remember, my mother had a weak immune system from a young age and was not able to get up in the morning to make breakfast. She could not gain weight for many years and sleep well.

My mother was in pain all over her body and took a lot of prescription drugs, so she may have always been looking for what she could do to improve her health.

My mother tried many recommendations from her friends, neighbors, and local news sources, but nothing helped her.​

For example, eating prunes, drinking noni juice, eating more meat and only chicken to gain weight, buying expensive electric blankets, worshiping a group of people and buying white china from them for a lot of money. The group told her that worshiping it would improve her health.

I had already been practicing macrobiotics and knew that it would not improve her health, but since I lived far away overseas, I always listened to her with love. When I returned to Japan, I cooked a hearty macrobiotic meal for her. As I did this, my mother’s health started to improve, so I found someone to cook macrobiotic meals for her several times a week, and my mother’s mindset became more positive and she stopped trying so many different things.

One day, my mother called me to tell me that her pain was relieved and she was able to sleep better thanks to the loquat leaf moxibustion and loquat leaf tincture (extract).

Shortly after that, my mother received some loquat leaves from a friend and started making her own loquat leaf tincture.

She got loquat leaves from her friends and made loquat tincture herself.

To make a tincture, she had to separate the leaves from blanches, clean each, cut them, and put them in a glass bottle with shochu.

It was lots of work, but she was determined to make it. She was tired but enjoyed the aroma of loquat leaves and looked vibrant in the photo she sent me.

Viblant my mother after she started to make Loquat tincture and using it.

She even planted a loquat tree in her yard. She told me if there is a loquat tree in America I need to plant it, too.

Fortunately, there was a large loquat tree next door to the house I moved into around that time (where I still live today), and I received a loquat seedling from there, which I planted in my garden 30 years ago.

My mother many bottles of Loquat tinctures and sent me her loquat tincture many times, and I have used it all for me, my husband, animal family, friends, and clients.

I started to make my own when my loquat tree got big enough.

 

Making tincture is a gift my mother gave me; I want to share the gift that my mother gave me with as many people as possible. Now I make many other different tinctures.

After I decided to offer this workshop, I remembered that when I was about 3 years old, my grandmother took me to the mountains of Mie to forage wild mushrooms and medicinal plants. My grandmother was a healer. I finally understand why I am so drawn to the power of nature and healing work.

The life I genuinely dedicate is to honoring and healing the great force of nature with my body, soul, and spirit and helping others and their animal families heal as well.

I am grateful to JACCC Emi Osaki for giving me an opportunity to teach the Japanese Tincture Making Workshop. 

 

Here is the detail of the workshop:

Join JACCC and Sustainable Little Tokyo for an immersive, hands-on workshop where you’ll explore the art of crafting botanical tinctures using Japanese loquat leaves and aromatic pine needles. Experience their unique scents, learn how to safely apply them to your skin, and create your personalized tinctures to take home. Along the way, you’ll gain insight into these plants’ numerous benefits and traditional uses while also mastering techniques that will empower you to make tinctures with herbs from your garden.

When: Sun, Oct 27, 2024, 10:30 am –  12:00 pm

Where: Toshizo Watanabe Culinary Cultural Center

244 S. San Pedro Street, Los Angeles, CA 90012

Price: Free with RSVP (donations encouraged)

Japanese Botanical Tincture-Making Workshop

Who Gose Slowly Goes Far

When I was a child (around elementary school), I never thought about knowing anything about myself.

So I just believed what the adults – my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my school teachers – said about me, and I didn’t realize what I was feeling.

 

I was not good at creating things quickly, writing quickly, or implementing them immediately. The adults around me called me “NOROMA”(it means SLOW) because I started everything leisurely and couldn’t finish it on time. “Noroma” also means “not attentive” in Japanese, which didn’t sound positive. Therefore, I believed that I was not good at creating or implementing something.

As a result, I can’t count the number of times I’ve given up on creating something or stopped before it was completed.

I learned crochet and embroidery in elementary school between 9 and 12 years old. 

However, I could hardly complete any projects at school.

First, think about what to make, what color to use, and what kind of thread to use.

By the time I finally decided to start, everyone else had already finished about half of it. That’s why I was so behind that I couldn’t complete it at all in the classroom. 

I could have finished it at home, but I didn’t.

Why?

That’s because my parents’ home didn’t have an atmosphere of art or crafts at all. I’ve tried making something at home a few times, but when I did, they would say, “You’re making a lot of trouble. You can’t finish it.” Or, “Why did you take so long to make it?” so I didn’t want to do anything at home.

Of course, I did not know if I could make it or not, but I wanted to try with my best ability. However, I felt that my family did not support me, so I did not want to do anything at home.

But that didn’t mean I completely lost my passion for creating things. It took me many years, but I started to do some simple knitting, do pottery, do stained glass, and do a little gardening.

When I started studying macrobiotics after I got ovarian cancer, I realized that I could take the time to cook according to the five seasons, and I thought I could do this. Carefully wash whole grains, brown rice, etc. and cook them slowly over time in a ceramic or stainless steel pot instead of an electric kettle. It was perfect for me, as I gently washed vegetables, cut them with care, and cooked them. I enjoyed studying and learning a lot.

I like weaving, knitting, crocheting, and sashiko projects, as well as calligraphy, wood carving, natural dyeing (using organic indigo, herbs, and flowers), natural ink making, mosaics, stained glass, woodblock prints, making miso, Japanese umeboshi plums, grow organic plants and more.

I started enjoying my favorite things in my spare time from work, such as watercolor painting and growing my favorite medicinal herbs in my garden after I recovered from ovarian cancer.

As I got older and started to enjoy a slower life, I’ve started working in between doing my favorite things, which is the opposite of what I used to do.

By doing something I like even a little bit every day, I realized that since I was a child, I actually like things that take time to make. I found myself enjoying taking my time and being careful, and carefree about my time.

I found that I felt most comfortable going slowly. 

I do not mind being careful “NOROMA”.

 

I’ve joined Wildfiber Studio‘s sweater club about seven years ago. Slowly over the past five years, have learned and perfected how to knit and crochet many sweaters and cardigans. 

Read More…

Birthday Wishes and Gifts

A birthday card arrived in the mailbox.
It came from my longtime friend J, whom I met while attending Pepperdine University (45 years ago).

She drew a scene where we recently saw a movie on the card.
The scene is as follows:
Eric was buying our tickets, and the person selling them asked my friend J and me if we were over 62.
She and I are the same age, and we looked at each other and asked each other, “Huh? How old are we?”

We could not think of our age at that moment right away, and we laughed so much. Receiving this card made me laugh so much again.

It is so wonderful to age well.
Most of the time, we can’t even remember how old we are because we usually feel young and have much fun without paying attention to how old we are.
I’m fortunate to have a best friend like J.

 

Come to think of it, a long time ago (probably more than 30 years ago), I was talking with my friend “J” on the sidewalk when an elderly woman walked past us and said, “Age before beauty!” I remembered.

I had never heard the phrase “age before beauty” before, so I asked J, who was an English major, what it meant.
I don’t remember exactly what J said- but it meant something like “Age is more valuable than youth or beauty.”
I didn’t realize its true meaning until recently, but I’m finally at the age where I can tell young people about the value of growing older.

That getting older is not just about numbers.
Of course, the reality is that aging is physically more challenging, and mentally, it can be lonely and scary times.
But that’s why I feel so strongly that it’s essential to make the most of my abilities and live daily with self-love and self-care.
As I age, I am convinced that my experiences have made me a wiser person, and I can say that I like being the way I am.

 

Well, I didn’t do anything special for my birthday this year.
As usual,
– Morning walk with the dogs
-Hand-sewing the pants length for a new gardening jumpsuit
– Aquatic plant gardening
-Watched a movie and cuddled cats
-Eric took me out for my birthday dinner
-In the end, I went to the sea at night when no one was there and very windy (Lumi’s ears are flying because of wind)


– Talk to Eric about my future plans.
– I took a bath with homemade medicinal herbs and fell asleep well.

The best part was that I felt a special, soft vibe and was grateful for being born.
Spending my birthday slowly like this was perfect for me right now.

 


Some of you may know that I have had some difficult experiences in my life.
Attempted suicide when I was 14 years old.
Moved to the United States at the age of 19.
Stopped drinking alcohol at the age of 29 and have continued to do so.
Diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1993 and recovered in 1995.
Survived a near-death car crash in 2001, and was able to walk after four years in a wheelchair.
In 2019, began recovering from stage IV non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma cancer, despite being diagnosed with only weeks to live in 2017.

My birthday wish is to respect “Sanae,” who has chosen this life and is striving to fulfill the life she has been given.
Maintain good health by caring for my body, mind, spirit, and soul.

As my birthday gifts, I received flowers, cards, voice messages, emails, Messengers, and many messages on Facebook.
I even received messages and emails from people I hadn’t heard from in a long time.
It’s a warm feeling to know that someone cares about me.

A friend sent me a birthday fortune telling.
For those born on April 4, 2024:
The wide variety of your experiences will stretch beyond your dreams. Your bright burning curiosity becomes a spotlight for interconnectedness and unity. Love expands your thinking and sparkles up your lifestyle. You’ll free yourself from excess responsibility and the principles of minimalism will deliver you into clarity and fulfillment. Virgo and Scorpio adore you. Lucky numbers are: 7, 10, 4, 41, 5.

I’m glad that this aligns with what I’m doing now, especially since last year, when I’ve been trying to do what I can slowly and without restricting myself as much as possible.

And gifts from Mother Earth:


Snow in North Fork (a photo was sent to me by a friend from the North Fork) and a rainbow when Eric too me out for my birthday dinner.

I feel grateful for everyone and everything who thought of me on my birthday.

My birthday present for me was a day where I give myself time and carefree day without any worries or pressure, which is truly the most luxurious birthday gift.

Love,
Sanae ❤️

P.S. A few days after I posted this blog, Eric baked a cake and made my favorite strawberry shortcake for my slightly late birthday!
It looks cute, right?
How did it taste?
”…mmhmmhmm”
I wish you could taste it.

Seasonal Handwork-Miso Making

Ever since childhood, I have been interested in making things that take time and effort.

It’s nice to have convenient and easy things to do, but I was not interested in them. 

My elementary school teacher and my parents called me “slow” since I took longer than others to do many things.
So, when I started practicing macrobiotics, I thought that macrobiotics, which require careful time, were suitable for me.

Many people say that macrobiotics is difficult and challenging, but what macrobiotics teach is the principle for humans to live a healthy life, so it’s not complicated.
But it changes by season, the type of people’s constitution, and their health condition, so since we (humans) are so out of touch with nature, it has become too complex.

Of course, it takes time and effort to be done.

But learning anything for the first time isn’t easy; you’ll improve with practice and practice. For example, playing the piano in music or playing tennis in sports can only be done easily if you are incredibly talented.

The reality for me is that after getting sick and being unable to walk due to a near death car accident, I had to think about my own lifestyle and how to live. Then, I practiced what I could and practiced again and again, and finally, I could do it comfortably.

In fact, it wasn’t until I had more leeway in my life that I started making traditional Japanese handmade items and other items little by little. I now make about 10 different products (e.g., Miso, Yuzu pepper, Rice bran pickles, Natto, Orange marmalade, Umeboshi plums, Ume plum enzyme juice, Ume plum sauce/jam, Rakkyo pickles, Red ginger pickles, and Dried whole persimmons) every year with help of my husband, Eric.

I’m a tortoise, so I slowly prepare to welcome the new year every year. At the beginning of January, I start writing down my goals for the year ahead, and then February arrives.
Around that time, I start making miso.
It is the perfect time to make miso.
Because the temperature is low, fermentation can take place slowly and thoroughly.
During the cold season, there are fewer bacteria, which can prevent mold growth.
One of the reasons is that you can use soybeans that have just been harvested in the fall.


Nowadays, many people use miso within about three~six months of making it, and miso companies also need a place to store it. If it takes time, it will take time to sell, so it seems like a sad situation that more and more companies are selling their miso in a short time after they make it.


In fact, when miso is left to age for two or three years, amino acids and vitamins that are not present in soybeans or are present in small amounts are produced through fermentation, increasing its nutritional value. Soy protein is broken down by enzymes and becomes water-soluble, and some of it becomes amino acids. Among them are eight types of essential amino acids that are essential for maintaining life, as well as vitamins (B1, B2, B6, B12, E, K, niacin, folic acid, pantothenic acid, piotin) and minerals (sodium, potassium, calcium, It contains abundant nutrients such as magnesium, phosphorus, iron, zinc, copper, iodine, selenium, chromium, and molybdenum), monounsaturated fatty acids, polyunsaturated fatty acids, and dietary fiber.
The salt mixes well with the soybeans, giving the dish a rich, umami flavor rather than a salty taste.


Therefore, I recommend using miso that has been aged for 2 to 3 years, but these days, aged miso is almost impossible to buy and is inconvenient.
We can’t find aged miso sold in the Japanese market and health food stores where we used to buy it here in the United States (near Los Angeles), so the miso they sell tastes salty.
I haven’t lived in Japan for a long time, so I don’t know much about what kind of miso is sold in Japan, but aged miso is probably hard to find in Japan as well.

So, I decided to make my own miso a while ago after I recovered from stage IV cancer, only weeks live.
This year, I pulled out the miso in the earthenware pot I made two years ago. The aroma and taste are great. I wish I can share them here.
Of course, I have so much love for this miso because I have been growing it with my care for two years.

I made miso soup with my two-year-old miso.


I only needed to use less than the usual amount of miso I used to get the flavor.
It was so delicious!
The miso can be used in various dishes such as stir-fry, stew, dip, and miso dressing and many more.

You can easily see the benefits of miso on the internet if you look into it.
Promotes digestion and absorption – has the effect of working on the digestive organs.
When you absorb the salty taste of miso soup into your body at the beginning of a meal, your stomach and intestines begin to move, allowing for efficient digestion and inhalation, which reduces the burden on your body.

Suppression of blood cholesterol levels
Soybean lecithin and soybean peptides contained in soybeans can suppress the rise in blood cholesterol.

It has also been reported to have other beneficial effects, such as neutralizing nicotine, preventing cancer, and preventing aging. And much more!


Making your miso is not difficult, so why not give it a try?

Here is the recipe I have been using.

Miso making recipe:
・Organic dried soybeans) 300g
・Koji (rice malt or barley malt) 200g
・Sea salt 120g
・Earthware container/pot
・Storage cotton cloth

What to prepare

・Stainless steel pot, colander, bowl,
 · Ladle
・Wooden pestle,
・Organic cotton cloth or Cheesecloth
・Baking sheet
・Weight
・Vinyl gloves (only for those who are interested)
・Alcohol spray or shochu or salt (only for those who are concerned)
・Stainless pot, calendars, bowl, 
・Vinyl gloves (only for those who are interested)
・Alcohol spray or shochu or salt (only for those who are concerned)


1. Wash the soybeans 2 to 3 times.
2. Add three times as much water as the soybeans and leave it overnight.                               Soybeans will expand by 2 to 2.3 times. It takes about 8~12 hours! Remove the skins from the float beans to the top and drain the water.


3. Add enough fresh water to cover the soybeans, heat over high heat at first, and once it boils, remove the scum. Then, boil slowly over medium heat and add the water if you need. Take a form out with a ladle. It depends on the pot, but the approximate cooking time is about 3~5 hours.


4. When the soybeans are soft enough to be crushed between your thumb and little finger, turn off the heat and drain the broth using a colander.

Keep some cooked broth to add to making miso later.
Boiled soybeans are perishable, so I recommend making miso as soon as possible.
(if you don’t prepare them right away, store them in the refrigerator.)


5. Now, make the shiokiri koji.


Add sea salt to naturally thawed koji to mix them well.
I usually mix a little by little by hand.


6. Place the boiled soybeans in a bowl and crush them by a wooden pestle and hand until they are no longer in shape. I like to keep some of the beans as they are so they have texture when miso is made.

It’s easier to mash it when it’s warm.
(if it’s been refrigerated, you can warm it up a little.)


7. Add salted koji to the soybeans and mix. Check the moisture level and add a small amount of cooked soybean broth (usually around 10 to 50 ml) to reach the consistency of your earlobe. The secret to making it delicious is to mix it well.


8. Mix until there are no leftover soybeans left, then roll a handful at a time like a rice ball. Then, place them one by one in a container (I use a ceramic jar) and press them down to flatten the surface while removing the air. The sides are prone to mold, so make sure they are flat.


9. Spread organic cotton cloth, thin cheesecloth, etc., flat on the surface, and place a baking sheet on top to prevent air from entering.

Some people find it practical to spray alcohol on the surface (if you don’t have one, sprinkle shochu or salt lightly and evenly) to reduce the amount of mold that grows, but I don’t do that.


10. Finally, add a weight (preferably about 30% of the weight) and put a label to complete.

Where to Place:
Place the container away from direct sunlight. No Refrigerators! Miso has the property of absorbing odors, so avoid placing it near things with strong odors.
If you are planning to do Tench Gaeshi, I recommend that you write down the date of preparation, around the time of Tench Gaeshi and when it will be ready to sue so you don’t forget.

Tenchi Gaeshi:
Tenji Gaeshi is good to do between mid-July and early August. Remove the weight, baking sheet, and cloth, then remove any black mold that has formed on the surface. The whitish stuff is called acid-film yeast and is not harmful to the body.
However, mixing it with miso will spoil the flavor of miso, so try to remove it as much as possible. Flip the miso upside down to incorporate air. It eliminates the carbon dioxide produced during fermentation and introduces oxygen to promote better fermentation. This is sealed again, as shown in numbers 8 to 10 in the diagram on the left, and left to ripen until winter.

Purpose of Tenjigaeshi:
・Remove the mold so as not to spoil the flavor of the miso.

・Turn it upside down and release the generated gas.

・ Sends oxygen

・Promotes enzyme activity

・Uniform the hardness


Completion
The expected completion date is at least one year. Miso becomes more delicious after the hot summer (possibly two summers), and you can start eating it as early as you like after the summer has passed. I recommend two years aged miso.

When it is finished, remove any mold and turn it upside down to make it even. Additive-free miso will continue to ferment, and the color will darken, but it will not spoil and can be enjoyed for a long time. If you want to stop fermentation, put it in the refrigerator. If you use it while fermenting it, store it at room temperature and remove the mold before eating.

 

If any of you make Miso using my recipe and have questions, let me know.

Love, 

Sanae ❤️

Self-Care for Grieving after My Beloved Dog, Happy’s Departure 

After five days of rain and wind storms last week, the sun was shining brightly, and the blue skies reflected it.
Usually, I would feel refreshed by the sunshine and blue skies, but my heart was still in darkness as the storm continued.

My beloved dog granddaughter, Happy, who was always by my side, suddenly became unwell and passed away to heaven on the last day of the rainstorm. Just writing this makes me feel a tightening pain in my chest.

My heart is aching, and I have empty, hollow feelings.

I am not ready to write about Happy much. 

All I can say now is…Happy was my big-hearted, kind, tolerant, and sweet dog granddaughter.
She was always by my side, like my shadow.
She followed me even if I just went to the next room to get something.
When he couldn’t see me, he wandered around looking for me.
I feel like a ghost now, without a shadow.

I only remember a little of what I did the day she departed seven days ago. 

*Seven days is call “Shonanoka” in a Buddhist service held on the seventh day after death. This is when the deceased crosses the River Styx (4000km – 2485.485 miles wide)  after she passes 3200km/1988.388mile long steep mountain.  Depending on her behavior during life, the stream of the river will change. So, the deceased’s family gather and honor her, sharing good memories and thoughts so that she will receive a gentle stream. I wrote about it on my blog

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2016/08/09/kula-golden-retriever-life-with-her-cancer-part-4/

 

I started to look at Happy’s most recent photos and Videos. Unfortunately, I did not have many photos of Happy in the last six months. I only took one photo with her (that’s the cover photo).
I was taking more photos of Lumi (Happy’s mom) because she is older and has health issues, so I thought Lumi was going to heaven sooner than Happy.
I wanted to see Happy’s photos of when she was a puppy, but it was too painful so I could not do it.

Happy left, Lumi (Happy’s mom) and me New Year’s day 2024

 

Even though I had studied animal communication, animal behavior, nutrition, and animal spiritual energy for many years, I did not notice that Happy was not feeling well.

It was a shock. I should have known if she had the health condition.
Now that she’s gone, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

I also felt so bad for Happy’s mother, Lumi, who could not look at and come close to Happy after Happy died.

Three other Happy’s family all looked sad but came close to her and Snif.

I wanted to set up an altar for Happy with the Buddhist traditional “Goku (Five basics),” offering incense, lanterns, flowers, food, and purified water. 

Happy’s color was orange, so Eric and I went to the local flower shop with Kai (Happy’s nephew), even though it was still raining a little bit, to get orange flowers. 

I set up the altar with a candle, incense, orin (Buddhist bell), water, her favorite blueberry cookies with flowers, etc. I lit the candle and incense, rang the bells, and prayed.

I don’t even remember now what I worshiped. I only remember that I just put my hands together (gasshou).

After that, I put on the music that Happy and I had been listening to, cried a lot, and meditated together for an hour.
I hugged Eric and the dog and cat family over and over again.

 

On the second day, the Sun came out powerfully, as if so much rain was a lie.

I was moving mechanically, not wanting to do anything.

But when I looked at all of Happy’s family, I took them out for a walk as usual without thinking. The first walking team is Happy’s mom, Lumi and Happy’s nephew, Kai. 

Happy used to walk with them, so my heart was not there with me, and the deep inside of me was numb, but I felt that Happy was walking with us.

When I returned home, there was a voice message from a *CSC (Cancer Support Community) blood cancer member that she wouldn’t be at the Zoom meeting, so if I was going to be there, she wanted me to let the group know.

*The CSC (Cancer Support Community) Blood Cancer group, which I joined about seven years ago when I got stage IV Lymphoma Cancer.

It has been helping me to hear what other people are going through physically and emotionally with their blood cancer and get more information about treatments, hospitals, oncologists, etc. 

I was trying to decide if I was up to be on Zoom/seeing other people.

I wanted to see how my long-time friend, John, was doing after his last chemotherapy. Ironically, John came to see me when I was taking chemotherapy for stage IV lymphoma, and three years later, he got lymphoma. I invited him to join the CSC’s Blood Cancer meeting, and he has been attending.

 

I knew the Zoom meeting had started, and time was passing. My heart said, I want to attend the Zoom meeting.

I clicked on Zoom connection. Previously, when I was late joining the meeting, I did not get a call to share till the end of the meeting, but the facilitator asked me how I was doing after the person speaking when I joined.

I was not expecting to share so soon; I did not know what to say.

My breath caught, and I checked. I had to think for a moment about what to say.

I said, “One of the members of CSC left a voice message to ask me to convey the message, and I also wanted to see how John is doing…” 

I started crying and said, “I am sorry, I am not myself today….”

I corrected what I said and continued, “Actually, I am myself.” 

I took a deep breath and said, “My dog daughter, Happy, passed away about 24 hours ago.”

My tears came down, and I could not stop crying. I felt my heart was aching.

The pain that feels like my chest is being torn apart.

I took another deep breath.

“I am grieving and feeling guilt for Happy that I may not have done the right things for her needs since I thought her mother, Lumi, was going to die before her, and I was focusing on Lumi more than Happy in the last six months.” 

“I am so sorry, Happy!”

I blew my nose, then said,  

“I am in so much pain, and tremendous sadness of tsunami is coming into my whole being.”

When I lost someone, including an animal family, during a previous grieving period time, I grieved so much. It must have lowered my immune system, and I got cancer twice.

One was after my father passed, I got ovarian cancer. The other one was 6 months after my beloved dog’s daughter, who was my service dog, Kula, passed, I got stage IV lymphoma.

 

So, I continue sharing on the Zoom CSC meeting.

“In the past, losing someone with whom I had strong connections and unfinished issues or regrets made my strength weak, and my immune system went lower.” 

“I am grieving, and I have a fear of losing my health once again, so I need to look back at what I can improve to cope with grieving and self-care.”

 

As I looked back, I realized my experience of grieving has different shapes and colors depending on who passed away. 

When my mother passed away, I was sad, and I grieved, of course, but I communicated with her to accept who she was and also let her know who I was to her before she passed away so I had peace later on.

Since living in America, I have sent a family of 16 animals to heaven.
Raising animals is not an easy task, and I was sad when they left.
But with the animal family that I was able to communicate with and connect with, grief was like a big wave in the ocean that I could surf, and I didn’t drown. I missed them and at the same time accepted their departure.

 

I looked back; how did I do when my father and Kula passed away? 

When my father passed away: 

I could not communicate with my father before he passed away.

I knew his health was not well, so I visited him one month before he passed away in Japan. I went to his favorite restaurant with my sister and we had a good time. 

I called him at the airport before departing to return to America, but he did not answer and never called me back. His secretary said he was on a business trip so that he would contact me later, but he never did.

When I received a phone call three weeks later that he was in critical condition and went to see him in Japan the next day, he was already unconscious and passed away eight hours later. 

I had to return to Japan to help my mother and deal with the situation at my father’s business company seven times in one year. 

The extreme stress did not give me a space for me to grieve.
I got so exhausted.
Then, the following year, my first husband filed for divorce, and one of my dogs, whom I rescued on the street, died. Then, I had to foreclose my condo when I lost money on the divorce.

I was grieving and so much stress, but not knowing I was. I started to lose my health and got ovarian cancer.

 

When my beloved dog’s daughter, who was my service dog, Kula, passed away, 

Eric (my current husband) and I tried to save our restaurant Seed Kitchen, but the landlord and realtor did not help us at all. We lost the lease, and the realtor sued us. We had to close the restaurant after Kula died.

Eric and I argued so much about the restaurant those days. I was focusing on accommodating the restaurant customers, employees, my students and clients.

I had no time for proper grieving till and for resting much. All I was doing was repairing our damage after closing the restaurant. Six months later, I got stage IV lymphoma.

 

The CSC facilitator asked me, “How do you not get sick/cancer from this grief?”

It is a good point for me to think and address the issues. Healthy grieving is facing the pain and dealing with it. It is work and no shortcut.

How do I do that?

I checked the blog I wrote about grieving in 2016 when Kula passed.

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2017/02/01/grief/

I was not aware of grief till much later since I was taking care of the restaurant we had at that time, and we lost it, so it was more than just losing Kula.

It took time to see that I was grieving over losing our restaurant, which had been one of our dreams.

Another was rebuilding my relationship with Eric after it got ripped off because of the stress of keeping and closing the restaurant.

 

We all have weak links in ourselves.

I realized my weakest link, which was when I lost someone, something that it meant to me and I could not accept, which led to grief, drained my immune system, and l lost my health. 

This time, I admit that I am going through grieving as soon as Happy departure.

I am releasing my grief by connecting with “*Pet Loss Support Group” and starting to work on my healing journals.

*Pet Loss Support Group

https://www.lapoflove.com/our-services/pet-loss-support

 

I face the weakest point and need to change it to my strength.

Cry when I need to.

Work on guilt, regret, blame, fear, anger, and connection to forgive, especially me. 

Softening the pain – talking to people who can support and respect my feelings and tell me the right words.

Writing is one of my tools to heal myself, so I want to write about how I give myself “Self-Care.” 

Continue daily walking with the dog family, art, and gardening, being nature as usual.

Herbal tea and Bach flower remedies for sadness/grieving, moxibustion, reiki, massage, and herbal aroma baths, etc.
I take care of myself with a lot of “self-care.”

 

I planted Grevillea Superb (it has orange color flowers since orange was Happy’s color) bush tree (Happy loved a bush plant) in the front side garden with Eric.

 

I haven’t been able to communicate much with Happy since she passed away, but I heard her voice while I was planting Grevillea Superb. 

“Mommy, what a beautiful flowers for me. I love the orange color!”

“I am happy that you decided that no surgery proceed and took me home from the cardiologist so I could go to heaven from the home where I was born.

Happy leaving the cardiologist’s office without surgery

 

I know you wished we had a little more time after we returned from the cardiologist, and me too. But my heart was not strong enough to live anymore.”

“I thank you so much for all you did; 

I was the happiest dog since you were my everything and are the one I lived for.

I learned to spread joy and love because you gave me joy and love every day. “

“You taught me how to help heal other people.”

“I hope you continue to take care of your health and live a much longer life so I may return to be with you.”

“Right now, I am also shocked that I had to leave. 

I know you are in shock and feeling guilty. 

But Mommy, you looked at my face when I left; I was not in pain, and I was a beautiful girl as you always told me.”

Happy’s face right after she depatured

 

“You and Daddy took care of me so well.”

“I thank you so much!”

“I will see you again, either there on the earth or in heaven for sure, until we see each other again next time.”  

“By the way, I am using my dog mom, Lumi’s body, to visit you, which you may have already noticed.”

“I heard you said, 「Lumi is getting up without our help and following everywhere I go, just like Happy.” (Lumi has arthritis and has not been able to get up on her own much) 

“Lumi is sleeping soundless without snoring like Happy” (Lumi snored so much all the time while she is sleeping)) and “Lumi is drooling just like Happy when she wants something to eat and waiting.” (Lumi never drooled)

That’s right, Mommy, I am there with you in my dog Mom Lumi’s body.

Now you know how much I want to be there with you!”

” Thank you for cookies, clean water (Happy liked only clean water), candles, incense, and beautiful flower bouquets!

I am so blessed and loved because I am your girl forever!”

 

I looked up at the sky and hugged her spirit!
And told her,
“Happy- Arigatou!
You did a great job giving me and everyone joy, love, and happiness
I am so happy you came into my life.
Thank you for always being by my side!
I’m looking forward to seeing you again.”

I am so grateful that Happy communicated with me.

When I am ready, I want to write a tribute to Happy’s life: her story with photos. Set up a memorial in Happy’s honor.

Today is Happy’s first 7th day (*Shonanoka), so I would like to hold a memorial service for her in my own way.

*Shonanoka

Shonanona is a Buddhist service held on the seventh day after death. This is when the deceased crosses the River Styx (4000km – 2485.485 miles wide)  after she passes 3200km/1988.388mile long steep mountain.  Depending on her behavior during life, the stream of the river will change. So, the deceased’s family gather and honor her, sharing good memories and thoughts so that she will receive a gentle stream.

I post it on my blog 

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2016/08/09/kula-golden-retriever-life-with-her-cancer-part-4/

My gratitude to Happy with all my heart!

Love,

Sanae ❤️