Sanae’s Story |

Birthday 70!

I have turned 70.
I can’t believe it!

A long time ago, a fortune teller told me I probably live till 60 but do not live long.
I do not believe it seriously, but it stays in my mind when I hear something like that, so I did not forget about it.

Since I was born, I have had many near-death experiences, so it may be a miracle that I am still alive and enjoying a fulfilling life. I try to live each day with gratitude.

Now that I’m 70, I can definitely feel my body aging. I have aches and pains all over my body, and I often find myself looking for things every day because I can’t find them, but for some reason, I feel young at soul and mostly upbeat.
I don’t feel that old yet, so isn’t 70 that old after all?

However, compared to when I was younger, I’ve become calmer, so I guess that’s the benefit of age.
I did many things when I was younger, like skydiving, scuba diving, and bungee jumping.
Now I’m satisfied with my situation, have no desire to do anything extreme, and enjoy relaxing each day.
It may be just me aging.

After my 69th birthday, I told Eric I wanted to go to Europe, specifically Rome (Italy), to celebrate my 70th birthday and made a plan with him.
Going to Rome has been on my bucket list since I saw Audrey Hepburn in “Roman Holiday” when I was 9 years old.

The movie was released in 1953 before I was born, so I do not remember how I watched it, but it must have been with my father since he loved to see foreign movies and took me to many French movies, too.

In 1997, I went to Europe for three weeks alone, cooking at macrobiotic centers and helping out at cooking classes. I also went to several places in Italy, but my luggage was stolen on the train from Venice to Rome, so I didn’t go to Rome. Eric didn’t go to Rome when he was working in Italy, so I showed him Audrey Hepburn’s “Roman Holiday,” he liked the scene where she toured Rome on a Vespa.

But our beloved eldest golden retriever, Lumi, is 15 years old.

Lumi two weeks ago at dog family gathering.

She had a heart attack in December and a weakened lung in February, so we don’t know how long she can live.
Lumi still eats well and lives a relaxed life but needs help getting up because of arthritis. We tried to get her to wear diapers, but she didn’t like it. She has a pride who gets up and tries to go outside to the bathroom, even in a diaper.
But I understand how she feels.
She takes homeopathic and Chinese medicine every day. I massage her legs and spine daily and give her moxibustion, making her feel good.
She’s a precious family member, so we do our best to make sure she lives his life to the fullest.

So, we decided not to go to Rome or Europe.
Eric asked me what I wanted to do for my 70th birthday.

My favorite thing to do is to spend time in nature with my whole family: Eric, our dogs (Lumi, Nalu, Kai, Lani, Makani), and our cats (Tin Tin and Mai Mai).

I asked Eric to take all of us on a camping trip to one of our favorite places, Morro Bay State Park.

Going camping with five dogs and two cats, lots of stuff to prepare their food since we make homemade food for them.
But we’ve been camping before, so we know what to do. It just takes time. We can do it.

We stopped by Santa Barbara on the first day to see our good friend Kelly. She just moved to a lovely new house. She had a big persimmon, loquat, guava, and ginko trees.
Kelly loves to use my organic botanical skincare products ( I have been using my organic botanical skincare products for about 20 years).
I look forward to showing her how to make tinctures there.
She took us for lunch at Santa Barbara Yacht Club.

She gave me glass flower bases for my birthday. The box said “Kin.”
I and my first golden retriever, Kin, met her and her golden retriever, Daisy, at the dog beach in Santa Barbara almost 30 years ago.
I appreciate our friendship so much!

We arrived at Morro Bay State Park just before Sunset after Santa Barbara.
We have come to this camping ground before.
It is near the ocean and the Museum of Natural History.
Makani had never come to this campground, but she had been on a camping trip with us before, so she had fun with her dogs family and the cats were relaxing in the kitty condo.

We brought homemade lentil soup for dinner for us.
We had a simple, delicious meal in the van.
I sew the moon and stars with the ocean wind at night, celebrating my last night in my 60s.

The next morning was supposed to be cooler, but it got warmer, and the sun showed the face and whispered, “Happy 70th Birthday, Sanae.”

As Eric was feeding the dog family breakfast, a couple of people passing by were surprised we had many dogs and said, “Wow, five dogs! Dogs are from God!” I thought right away that maybe living with a dog means being protected by God!

After breakfast, we hiked a little and visited the Morro Bay Museum of Natural History.

There were many elementary kids for their field trip.
Beautiful Morro Bay rock!

I love learning about nature and the local habitat. I did not know that Morro Bay was founded in 1870.

We enjoyed there a lot and got an extraordinary seaweed book.

Then, we went to Cuyucos Dog Beach.
This dog beach is Morro Bay Rock in the back of the scene.

It’s the best dog beach I have ever known.
As we got our dogs out of the van, someone said, “Oh, many dogs, dog is God!”
It was the second time people commented on Dog and God that morning.
I know that when our dogs are happy, we are happy, too; it must be God’s work!

We put our recently bought cart on the sand at the beach so that Lumi could enjoy it, too. I pulled the cart for Lumi on the beach.

She couldn’t walk well, but she was happy to feel the breeze and smell the ocean.

Nalu, Kai, Lani, and Makani enjoyed running, chasing each other, and eating seaweed.

After Dog Beach, we went to Cambria to window shop and to a natural food store, where we bought some local boysenberry jam.

Our camping toaster!

Then, Harmony (a small town with a population of 18) where Eric tasted some wine and bought some.

The birthday dinner was at Harbor Hut, one of the oldest restaurants we like to visit in Morro Bay. Eric reserved our favorite seat so we could see the sunset by Morro Bay Rock.

What a precious, thoughtful gift filled my heart.

On this day, I got birthday calls from my friends Masayo, Angel, and Mark. Thank you, everyone!

On the morning of the second day, we decided to go somewhere we’d never been before and headed to a town called Los Osos.
Eric bought some sourdough bread at a local bakery.

We also went to dip in a mineral bath at Avila Spa.

The mineral bath helped ease my legs and lower back pain.
I didn’t have a swimsuit, so I wore black underwear and a tank top (lol).

Then, in the afternoon, we saw another good friend, Laura, who lives nearby. She went to Kushi Institute to learn macrobiotics and used to cook macrobiotic food for my client. We had a late lunch / early dinner at Shine Cafe. We both ordered Tempeh Reuben sandwiches, but they looked different than what we thought. The waiter said they were a tempeh sandwich, and just difference was no sauerkraut this one. Do you want sauerkraut?
Laura and I said at the same time.” Of course, sauerkraut!” and laughed so much!!!

A farmers’ market was nearby, so we walked around and checked local vegetables, fruits, and artist crafts. Laura got a ceramic pin matching my hat – a cute orange bird from a local ceramist for my birthday.

Then, I came up with the idea of getting a foot massage to relax. Eric said no, but I said it was my birthday, so you need to celebrate with a foot massage.
We all got massages and feel so much better.
In the evening, we returned to the campground and talked with Eric’s banana muffin, Los Osos’s sourdough bread, vegan cheese, and kukicha till we got tired.

It was no stressful, simple, happy weekend for my birthday.

Now, I have returned home and connected with the trees and plants in my garden that I have been helping to grow for almost 40 years.
I am happy they are around me and give me a botanical vibe.

Nancy, my frined who live behind us brought me a birthday card and flowers from the garden, and we made plans to go out for sushi.
I got a birthday call from Amanda, a kind friend who remembered my birthday even though she lost everything in the wildfires in January.
My long-time friend, Jessica, took me to a birthday brunch in Marina del. It was a fun time with delicious food.

My longest-time friend (since Pepperdine University), Judy, is taking me to dinner next week; I am lucky to have good friends and feel happy to continue celebrating my 70!

I am grateful to age slowly and find my interest in everyday life to move forward.

Love,

Sanae ❤️

Sharing My Feelings After The Wildfires…

It has been over two weeks since the most devastating wildfires in Los Angeles. My heart goes out to people affected by the wildfire.

I appreciate all of you contacting me and showing your concerns. Eric and I are safe with five dogs and two cats’ family here in Santa Monica.

Although we did not have actual fire damage, I have been emotional and feeling fear. I wrote this blog to move forward in response to the fear of this wildfire and my sad feelings.

The fire occurred on Tuesday, January 7th, around 10:20 am.

That day, I left home at 8:40 am and went to a Qigong class.

I had a habit of looking at the sky, and I remembered it was blue, so I was grateful as I walked.

After the class, I was at home making a sample for the Sashiko Workshop; Eric phoned me and told me about the wire.

I asked Eric, is it close?

He said it was Pacific Paracede, about 11 miles from our house.

I went outside and saw the gray-pinkish big smoke over the north side of our house.

I noticed the wind started to get so intense, and our trees in the garden were swinging like children’s parks. It was a twisting swing I never saw before. The wind got so bad it broke the branches of the trees as they twisted off. We could not sleep that night, watching the news all the time and checking Watch Duty – Wildfire Maps & Alerts

When the second area of Santa Monica received mandatory evacuation (about 3 miles from our house), we packed our passports and some of our belongings, set up a large cat crate with a litter box for cats and dog beds in the van, and got ready to evacuate.

Seeing the smoke and flame from the rooftop of our house, I let out a speechless scream.

The next day, amidst the black smoke, the sun was dyed red, which I had never seen in my life. I had to face the horrors of reality.

When the news showed about 12,000 houses were burned down, I felt like I was just staring at the screen in a daze, unable to believe it, as if I was watching the devastation of war.

Finding out some of our friends lost their houses in the wildfire and some are still evacuating made us feel such sad and heavy feelings.　
My heart hurts when I think about how long everyone has to go.
We meditated more to send love and compassion to these people. We also did what we could by making donations, but I felt helpless.
In the meantime, we cared for ourselves to find even the slightest joy and happiness.
I can’t ignore the indescribable emotions that can’t be put into words in the air.

Over the first weekend of Eric’s day off, we escaped the smoky air and went to Santa Barbara’s dog beach.

Last week, we celebrated Lumi’s 15th birthday. It lifted up our spirits! Thank Lumi so much for her strength to live!

Today, I’m listening to Cheri Huber’s audiobook “The Fear Book” as I prepare material kit for my first sashiko workshop at JACCC this weekend. I hope the Sashiko workshop helps people heal during challenging times.

What fear is (from Cheri Huber’s book)

…fear is the hunted, not the hunter.

Fear is not what you think it is.

…..Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom.

Cheri Huber’s Free Audiobook site

https://www.livingcompassion.org/audio-books

Who Gose Slowly Goes Far

When I was a child (around elementary school), I never thought about knowing anything about myself.

So I just believed what the adults – my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my school teachers – said about me, and I didn’t realize what I was feeling.

I was not good at creating things quickly, writing quickly, or implementing them immediately. The adults around me called me “NOROMA”（it means SLOW) because I started everything leisurely and couldn’t finish it on time. “Noroma” also means “not attentive” in Japanese, which didn’t sound positive. Therefore, I believed that I was not good at creating or implementing something.

As a result, I can’t count the number of times I’ve given up on creating something or stopped before it was completed.

I learned crochet and embroidery in elementary school between 9 and 12 years old.

However, I could hardly complete any projects at school.

First, think about what to make, what color to use, and what kind of thread to use.

By the time I finally decided to start, everyone else had already finished about half of it. That’s why I was so behind that I couldn’t complete it at all in the classroom.

I could have finished it at home, but I didn’t.

Why?

That’s because my parents’ home didn’t have an atmosphere of art or crafts at all. I’ve tried making something at home a few times, but when I did, they would say, “You’re making a lot of trouble. You can’t finish it.” Or, “Why did you take so long to make it?” so I didn’t want to do anything at home.

Of course, I did not know if I could make it or not, but I wanted to try with my best ability. However, I felt that my family did not support me, so I did not want to do anything at home.

But that didn’t mean I completely lost my passion for creating things. It took me many years, but I started to do some simple knitting, do pottery, do stained glass, and do a little gardening.

When I started studying macrobiotics after I got ovarian cancer, I realized that I could take the time to cook according to the five seasons, and I thought I could do this. Carefully wash whole grains, brown rice, etc. and cook them slowly over time in a ceramic or stainless steel pot instead of an electric kettle. It was perfect for me, as I gently washed vegetables, cut them with care, and cooked them. I enjoyed studying and learning a lot.

I like weaving, knitting, crocheting, and sashiko projects, as well as calligraphy, wood carving, natural dyeing (using organic indigo, herbs, and flowers), natural ink making, mosaics, stained glass, woodblock prints, making miso, Japanese umeboshi plums, grow organic plants and more.

I started enjoying my favorite things in my spare time from work, such as watercolor painting and growing my favorite medicinal herbs in my garden after I recovered from ovarian cancer.

As I got older and started to enjoy a slower life, I’ve started working in between doing my favorite things, which is the opposite of what I used to do.

By doing something I like even a little bit every day, I realized that since I was a child, I actually like things that take time to make. I found myself enjoying taking my time and being careful, and carefree about my time.

I found that I felt most comfortable going slowly.

I do not mind being careful “NOROMA”.

I’ve joined Wildfiber Studio‘s sweater club about seven years ago. Slowly over the past five years, have learned and perfected how to knit and crochet many sweaters and cardigans.

Birthday Wishes and Gifts

A birthday card arrived in the mailbox.
It came from my longtime friend J, whom I met while attending Pepperdine University (45 years ago).

She drew a scene where we recently saw a movie on the card.
The scene is as follows:
Eric was buying our tickets, and the person selling them asked my friend J and me if we were over 62.
She and I are the same age, and we looked at each other and asked each other, “Huh? How old are we?”

We could not think of our age at that moment right away, and we laughed so much. Receiving this card made me laugh so much again.

It is so wonderful to age well.
Most of the time, we can’t even remember how old we are because we usually feel young and have much fun without paying attention to how old we are.
I’m fortunate to have a best friend like J.

Come to think of it, a long time ago (probably more than 30 years ago), I was talking with my friend “J” on the sidewalk when an elderly woman walked past us and said, “Age before beauty!” I remembered.

I had never heard the phrase “age before beauty” before, so I asked J, who was an English major, what it meant.
I don’t remember exactly what J said- but it meant something like “Age is more valuable than youth or beauty.”
I didn’t realize its true meaning until recently, but I’m finally at the age where I can tell young people about the value of growing older.

That getting older is not just about numbers.
Of course, the reality is that aging is physically more challenging, and mentally, it can be lonely and scary times.
But that’s why I feel so strongly that it’s essential to make the most of my abilities and live daily with self-love and self-care.
As I age, I am convinced that my experiences have made me a wiser person, and I can say that I like being the way I am.

Well, I didn’t do anything special for my birthday this year.
As usual,
– Morning walk with the dogs
-Hand-sewing the pants length for a new gardening jumpsuit
– Aquatic plant gardening
-Watched a movie and cuddled cats
-Eric took me out for my birthday dinner
-In the end, I went to the sea at night when no one was there and very windy (Lumi’s ears are flying because of wind)

– Talk to Eric about my future plans.
– I took a bath with homemade medicinal herbs and fell asleep well.

The best part was that I felt a special, soft vibe and was grateful for being born.
Spending my birthday slowly like this was perfect for me right now.

Some of you may know that I have had some difficult experiences in my life.
Attempted suicide when I was 14 years old.
Moved to the United States at the age of 19.
Stopped drinking alcohol at the age of 29 and have continued to do so.
Diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1993 and recovered in 1995.
Survived a near-death car crash in 2001, and was able to walk after four years in a wheelchair.
In 2019, began recovering from stage IV non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma cancer, despite being diagnosed with only weeks to live in 2017.

My birthday wish is to respect “Sanae,” who has chosen this life and is striving to fulfill the life she has been given.
Maintain good health by caring for my body, mind, spirit, and soul.

As my birthday gifts, I received flowers, cards, voice messages, emails, Messengers, and many messages on Facebook.
I even received messages and emails from people I hadn’t heard from in a long time.
It’s a warm feeling to know that someone cares about me.

A friend sent me a birthday fortune telling.
For those born on April 4, 2024:
The wide variety of your experiences will stretch beyond your dreams. Your bright burning curiosity becomes a spotlight for interconnectedness and unity. Love expands your thinking and sparkles up your lifestyle. You’ll free yourself from excess responsibility and the principles of minimalism will deliver you into clarity and fulfillment. Virgo and Scorpio adore you. Lucky numbers are: 7, 10, 4, 41, 5.

I’m glad that this aligns with what I’m doing now, especially since last year, when I’ve been trying to do what I can slowly and without restricting myself as much as possible.

And gifts from Mother Earth:

Snow in North Fork (a photo was sent to me by a friend from the North Fork) and a rainbow when Eric too me out for my birthday dinner.

I feel grateful for everyone and everything who thought of me on my birthday.

My birthday present for me was a day where I give myself time and carefree day without any worries or pressure, which is truly the most luxurious birthday gift.

Love,
Sanae ❤️

P.S. A few days after I posted this blog, Eric baked a cake and made my favorite strawberry shortcake for my slightly late birthday!
It looks cute, right?
How did it taste?
”…mmhmmhmm”
I wish you could taste it.

Self-Care for Grieving after My Beloved Dog, Happy’s Departure

After five days of rain and wind storms last week, the sun was shining brightly, and the blue skies reflected it.
Usually, I would feel refreshed by the sunshine and blue skies, but my heart was still in darkness as the storm continued.

My beloved dog granddaughter, Happy, who was always by my side, suddenly became unwell and passed away to heaven on the last day of the rainstorm. Just writing this makes me feel a tightening pain in my chest.

My heart is aching, and I have empty, hollow feelings.

I am not ready to write about Happy much.

All I can say now is…Happy was my big-hearted, kind, tolerant, and sweet dog granddaughter.
She was always by my side, like my shadow.
She followed me even if I just went to the next room to get something.
When he couldn’t see me, he wandered around looking for me.
I feel like a ghost now, without a shadow.

I only remember a little of what I did the day she departed seven days ago.

*Seven days is call “Shonanoka” in a Buddhist service held on the seventh day after death. This is when the deceased crosses the River Styx (4000km – 2485.485 miles wide) after she passes 3200km/1988.388mile long steep mountain. Depending on her behavior during life, the stream of the river will change. So, the deceased’s family gather and honor her, sharing good memories and thoughts so that she will receive a gentle stream. I wrote about it on my blog

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2016/08/09/kula-golden-retriever-life-with-her-cancer-part-4/

I started to look at Happy’s most recent photos and Videos. Unfortunately, I did not have many photos of Happy in the last six months. I only took one photo with her (that’s the cover photo).
I was taking more photos of Lumi (Happy’s mom) because she is older and has health issues, so I thought Lumi was going to heaven sooner than Happy.
I wanted to see Happy’s photos of when she was a puppy, but it was too painful so I could not do it.

Happy left, Lumi (Happy’s mom) and me New Year’s day 2024

Even though I had studied animal communication, animal behavior, nutrition, and animal spiritual energy for many years, I did not notice that Happy was not feeling well.

It was a shock. I should have known if she had the health condition.
Now that she’s gone, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

I also felt so bad for Happy’s mother, Lumi, who could not look at and come close to Happy after Happy died.

Three other Happy’s family all looked sad but came close to her and Snif.

I wanted to set up an altar for Happy with the Buddhist traditional “Goku (Five basics),” offering incense, lanterns, flowers, food, and purified water.

Happy’s color was orange, so Eric and I went to the local flower shop with Kai (Happy’s nephew), even though it was still raining a little bit, to get orange flowers.

I set up the altar with a candle, incense, orin (Buddhist bell), water, her favorite blueberry cookies with flowers, etc. I lit the candle and incense, rang the bells, and prayed.

I don’t even remember now what I worshiped. I only remember that I just put my hands together (gasshou).

After that, I put on the music that Happy and I had been listening to, cried a lot, and meditated together for an hour.
I hugged Eric and the dog and cat family over and over again.

On the second day, the Sun came out powerfully, as if so much rain was a lie.

I was moving mechanically, not wanting to do anything.

But when I looked at all of Happy’s family, I took them out for a walk as usual without thinking. The first walking team is Happy’s mom, Lumi and Happy’s nephew, Kai.

Happy used to walk with them, so my heart was not there with me, and the deep inside of me was numb, but I felt that Happy was walking with us.

When I returned home, there was a voice message from a *CSC (Cancer Support Community) blood cancer member that she wouldn’t be at the Zoom meeting, so if I was going to be there, she wanted me to let the group know.

*The CSC (Cancer Support Community) Blood Cancer group, which I joined about seven years ago when I got stage IV Lymphoma Cancer.

It has been helping me to hear what other people are going through physically and emotionally with their blood cancer and get more information about treatments, hospitals, oncologists, etc.

I was trying to decide if I was up to be on Zoom/seeing other people.

I wanted to see how my long-time friend, John, was doing after his last chemotherapy. Ironically, John came to see me when I was taking chemotherapy for stage IV lymphoma, and three years later, he got lymphoma. I invited him to join the CSC’s Blood Cancer meeting, and he has been attending.

I knew the Zoom meeting had started, and time was passing. My heart said, I want to attend the Zoom meeting.

I clicked on Zoom connection. Previously, when I was late joining the meeting, I did not get a call to share till the end of the meeting, but the facilitator asked me how I was doing after the person speaking when I joined.

I was not expecting to share so soon; I did not know what to say.

My breath caught, and I checked. I had to think for a moment about what to say.

I said, “One of the members of CSC left a voice message to ask me to convey the message, and I also wanted to see how John is doing…”

I started crying and said, “I am sorry, I am not myself today….”

I corrected what I said and continued, “Actually, I am myself.”

I took a deep breath and said, “My dog daughter, Happy, passed away about 24 hours ago.”

My tears came down, and I could not stop crying. I felt my heart was aching.

The pain that feels like my chest is being torn apart.

I took another deep breath.

“I am grieving and feeling guilt for Happy that I may not have done the right things for her needs since I thought her mother, Lumi, was going to die before her, and I was focusing on Lumi more than Happy in the last six months.”

“I am so sorry, Happy!”

I blew my nose, then said,

“I am in so much pain, and tremendous sadness of tsunami is coming into my whole being.”

When I lost someone, including an animal family, during a previous grieving period time, I grieved so much. It must have lowered my immune system, and I got cancer twice.

One was after my father passed, I got ovarian cancer. The other one was 6 months after my beloved dog’s daughter, who was my service dog, Kula, passed, I got stage IV lymphoma.

So, I continue sharing on the Zoom CSC meeting.

“In the past, losing someone with whom I had strong connections and unfinished issues or regrets made my strength weak, and my immune system went lower.”

“I am grieving, and I have a fear of losing my health once again, so I need to look back at what I can improve to cope with grieving and self-care.”

As I looked back, I realized my experience of grieving has different shapes and colors depending on who passed away.

When my mother passed away, I was sad, and I grieved, of course, but I communicated with her to accept who she was and also let her know who I was to her before she passed away so I had peace later on.

Since living in America, I have sent a family of 16 animals to heaven.
Raising animals is not an easy task, and I was sad when they left.
But with the animal family that I was able to communicate with and connect with, grief was like a big wave in the ocean that I could surf, and I didn’t drown. I missed them and at the same time accepted their departure.

I looked back; how did I do when my father and Kula passed away?

When my father passed away:

I could not communicate with my father before he passed away.

I knew his health was not well, so I visited him one month before he passed away in Japan. I went to his favorite restaurant with my sister and we had a good time.

I called him at the airport before departing to return to America, but he did not answer and never called me back. His secretary said he was on a business trip so that he would contact me later, but he never did.

When I received a phone call three weeks later that he was in critical condition and went to see him in Japan the next day, he was already unconscious and passed away eight hours later.

I had to return to Japan to help my mother and deal with the situation at my father’s business company seven times in one year.

The extreme stress did not give me a space for me to grieve.
I got so exhausted.
Then, the following year, my first husband filed for divorce, and one of my dogs, whom I rescued on the street, died. Then, I had to foreclose my condo when I lost money on the divorce.

I was grieving and so much stress, but not knowing I was. I started to lose my health and got ovarian cancer.

When my beloved dog’s daughter, who was my service dog, Kula, passed away,

Eric (my current husband) and I tried to save our restaurant Seed Kitchen, but the landlord and realtor did not help us at all. We lost the lease, and the realtor sued us. We had to close the restaurant after Kula died.

Eric and I argued so much about the restaurant those days. I was focusing on accommodating the restaurant customers, employees, my students and clients.

I had no time for proper grieving till and for resting much. All I was doing was repairing our damage after closing the restaurant. Six months later, I got stage IV lymphoma.

The CSC facilitator asked me, “How do you not get sick/cancer from this grief?”

It is a good point for me to think and address the issues. Healthy grieving is facing the pain and dealing with it. It is work and no shortcut.

How do I do that?

I checked the blog I wrote about grieving in 2016 when Kula passed.

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2017/02/01/grief/

I was not aware of grief till much later since I was taking care of the restaurant we had at that time, and we lost it, so it was more than just losing Kula.

It took time to see that I was grieving over losing our restaurant, which had been one of our dreams.

Another was rebuilding my relationship with Eric after it got ripped off because of the stress of keeping and closing the restaurant.

We all have weak links in ourselves.

I realized my weakest link, which was when I lost someone, something that it meant to me and I could not accept, which led to grief, drained my immune system, and l lost my health.

This time, I admit that I am going through grieving as soon as Happy departure.

I am releasing my grief by connecting with “＊Pet Loss Support Group” and starting to work on my healing journals.

＊Pet Loss Support Group

https://www.lapoflove.com/our-services/pet-loss-support

I face the weakest point and need to change it to my strength.

Cry when I need to.

Work on guilt, regret, blame, fear, anger, and connection to forgive, especially me.

Softening the pain – talking to people who can support and respect my feelings and tell me the right words.

Writing is one of my tools to heal myself, so I want to write about how I give myself “Self-Care.”

Continue daily walking with the dog family, art, and gardening, being nature as usual.

Herbal tea and Bach flower remedies for sadness/grieving, moxibustion, reiki, massage, and herbal aroma baths, etc.
I take care of myself with a lot of “self-care.”

I planted Grevillea Superb (it has orange color flowers since orange was Happy’s color) bush tree (Happy loved a bush plant) in the front side garden with Eric.

I haven’t been able to communicate much with Happy since she passed away, but I heard her voice while I was planting Grevillea Superb.

“Mommy, what a beautiful flowers for me. I love the orange color!”

“I am happy that you decided that no surgery proceed and took me home from the cardiologist so I could go to heaven from the home where I was born.

Happy leaving the cardiologist’s office without surgery

I know you wished we had a little more time after we returned from the cardiologist, and me too. But my heart was not strong enough to live anymore.”

“I thank you so much for all you did;

I was the happiest dog since you were my everything and are the one I lived for.

I learned to spread joy and love because you gave me joy and love every day. “

“You taught me how to help heal other people.”

“I hope you continue to take care of your health and live a much longer life so I may return to be with you.”

“Right now, I am also shocked that I had to leave.

I know you are in shock and feeling guilty.

But Mommy, you looked at my face when I left; I was not in pain, and I was a beautiful girl as you always told me.”

Happy’s face right after she depatured

“You and Daddy took care of me so well.”

“I thank you so much!”

“I will see you again, either there on the earth or in heaven for sure, until we see each other again next time.”

“By the way, I am using my dog mom, Lumi’s body, to visit you, which you may have already noticed.”

“I heard you said, 「Lumi is getting up without our help and following everywhere I go, just like Happy.” (Lumi has arthritis and has not been able to get up on her own much)

“Lumi is sleeping soundless without snoring like Happy” (Lumi snored so much all the time while she is sleeping)) and “Lumi is drooling just like Happy when she wants something to eat and waiting.” (Lumi never drooled)

That’s right, Mommy, I am there with you in my dog Mom Lumi’s body.

Now you know how much I want to be there with you!”

” Thank you for cookies, clean water (Happy liked only clean water), candles, incense, and beautiful flower bouquets!

I am so blessed and loved because I am your girl forever!”

I looked up at the sky and hugged her spirit!
And told her,
“Happy- Arigatou!
You did a great job giving me and everyone joy, love, and happiness
I am so happy you came into my life.
Thank you for always being by my side!
I’m looking forward to seeing you again.”

I am so grateful that Happy communicated with me.

When I am ready, I want to write a tribute to Happy’s life: her story with photos. Set up a memorial in Happy’s honor.

Today is Happy’s first 7th day (*Shonanoka), so I would like to hold a memorial service for her in my own way.

*Shonanoka

Shonanona is a Buddhist service held on the seventh day after death. This is when the deceased crosses the River Styx (4000km – 2485.485 miles wide) after she passes 3200km/1988.388mile long steep mountain. Depending on her behavior during life, the stream of the river will change. So, the deceased’s family gather and honor her, sharing good memories and thoughts so that she will receive a gentle stream.

I post it on my blog

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2016/08/09/kula-golden-retriever-life-with-her-cancer-part-4/

My gratitude to Happy with all my heart!

Love,

Sanae ❤️

New Year Goals – Ink Making

January is the time for me to write down my goals for the new year.

I have been going to see New Year Sunrise to worship it on New Year’s Day for about 30 years.

I plan my new year goals according to the lunar calendar, so I spend the time until the Lunar New Year in February with an awareness of what I want to do in the New Year.

January is the perfect time to start writing down what’s on my mind, what I am thinking, and what I am feeling. I like writing down my goals and what I can accomplish.

Review what I wrote last year and see what I accomplished and didn’t.

If I had a goal that I couldn’t achieve last year, look at it honestly and think about whether I want to work towards the same goal this year.

Sometimes, my interests and feelings change, and I don’t continue. It’s a good experience to accept things and my changes and not judge them.

One of my goals in 2024 is to “Learn How to Make Ink” with natural materials by taking a workshop at Maiwa School of Textiles with TIM McLAUGHLIN.

Why did I decide to take this workshop as my New Year goal?

Well, something happened when I was five, and my parents changed the kindergartens I was going to. There was a famous Japanese calligraphy “Shodo” master who was the younger brother of the director of the new kindergarten I started attending.

I began learning Japanese calligraphy, “Shodo,” under this master.

At the beginning of the classes, I had learned how to make Sumi ink and doodling with a Japanese Calligraphy brush.

For some reason, I liked mixing Sumi ink stick with water and rubbing it by hand on an ink-stone.
I forget how much time passed when I was rubbing the Sumi ink stick, and my teacher sometimes came to check on me and said, “Are you ready to dip your brush in Sumi ink?”

Maybe I was in a zen state even at a young age, hahaha!
It could be because the scent of Sumi ink and the sound of Sumi ink rubbing the Suzuri (Inkstone) relaxed me.

I discovered that I could make Sumi ink darker than midnight color and Sumi ink color to match dawn, which was closer to gray.

The color of the Sumi ink changed depending on the movement of my hand and the vibration of my feelings.

Slowly moving my hands and making ink gave “the shy little Sanae” confidence and helped her calm down.

There was a time when my teacher encouraged me to exhibit many of my works in calligraphy exhibitions at art museums, and I won numerous awards.

Japanese Calligraphy “Shodo” – 「Nintai」English meaning Patience I did for a friend request

Then, when I was in elementary school, I noticed that my father used fountain pens, and I was drawn to them so much. I remember buying my first fountain pen when I was 13 years old.

I wanted to find my favorite color of ink for my fountain pen.

Green ink was the color for me!

After finding green ink, I sent postcards and requested songs every week to the late-night radio program “Ama-chin’s Young Request” in my hometown of Nagoya.

I could request songs over the phone, but since so many people were calling, I couldn’t always get through, so I sent postcards.

I am sure I was spending more time writing these postcards than studying for school.

I used my pen name, “Green Puff” (this name came from the popular Japanese cotton facial puff name Clean Puff) because I used a green ink fountain pen, and it sounded cute.

Since everyone sent postcards with a ballpoint pen and no one sent them with fountain pens and colored ink, especially green, DJ Ama-chin chose my card every week and played my favorite songs. It was a sweet memory I almost forgot.

September 8th, 2001, I had a near-death experience in a car accident with severe injuries, and the doctors told me I would not be able to walk anymore. You might be able to imagine how much I struggled for a long time. I was bedridden for one year, painful physical therapy, and learned to live a wheelchair life.

One day, right after I learned to use my wheelchair, I went to orientation for disabled people’s public city van. I met a woman whose name was Evie, and she introduced me to taking a pen calligraphy class at Emeritus at Santa Monica College. This story you can read here.

Although it is different from Japanese calligraphy, I thought the attitude of preparation and writing was similar.

It calms the mind and makes the atmosphere quiet.

While I practice calligraphy, I notice my dogs and cats family all relax.

One of my calligraphy and drawing of Lindisfarne Gospel from my practice notebook.

I continue to practice pen calligraphy, and a few years ago, I was able to write my own haiku in pen calligraphy and submit “Lotus” with a watercolor hanga print as my first artwork for the college art show.

It reminded me of the old days when I was entering my “Shodo” Calligraphy yo the museum.

So, even though I was disable I still could create art.

There is one more thing, which is ever since I mixed ink colors at Kakimori’s Inkstand in Tokyo in 2019 after undergoing six cycles of Chemotherapy to treat Stage IV Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma cancer when I was diagnosed with “Only Weeks to Live” in 2017. (you can read it here)

The Inkstand had ten basic colors to create/mix many colors, and I was fascinated to create three different colors of my own.

I was also interested in whether there was a way to make ink (not just mixing) using natural dye materials.

I was excited to learn that Maiwa School of Textile was offering “The Ink Making Workshop.”

I want to make my original “ink” colors someday and hope to be able to create new calligraphy art for college art exhibitions.

So, these are the reasons why I have made “Learn How to Make My Ink” one of my goals for 2024.

It is a seven-week workshop and it has just started.
The first week was Introduction and Module 1, in which I learned what materials and supplies I needed to prepare for making ink.
I am someone who loves glassware; my excitement grew when I saw that the list included glasses such as beakers, flasks, and cylinders.
I liked the fact that I could use rainwater to make ink.
The perfect timing is that it had been raining the last few days here, so I corrected the rainwater.

Raindrops over holiday poinsettia.

This weekend, I got all the materials and supplies to start making Gum Arabic Solution and Shellac Solution.
Doesn’t these glass containers remind you of a chemistry class?

Making Gum Arabic Stock Solution was like making almond milk late and took only a little time.
Shellac Stock Solution was like making caramel syrup first.
The instructor, Tim, said,” It would take one hour to make,” but it took me almost two hours. I think my bath water to melt Shellac was not deep enough, so I will know the next time.
Anyway, I enjoyed a slow pace on Sunday time to complete it.

This workshop has been much more exciting than I expected so far.
I can’t wait to make my original color ink.

I look forward to posting more photos on my Instagram and Facebook and writing about them on my blog again after I learn.

Love,

Sanae ❤️