The oncologist said,
“You have *Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver.
(* I found out later that I got this cancer because of Hepatitis C from the blood transfusion result of the car accident in 2001)
It is rare cancer. I recommend that you take R-CHOP, usually with a regimen of four drugs (cyclophosphamide, doxorubicin, vincristine, and prednisone), plus the monoclonal antibody rituximab (Rituxan). This regimen is most often given in cycles three weeks apart. Because this regimen contains the drug doxorubicin, which can damage the heart, it may not be suitable for patients with heart problems, so other chemo regimens may be used instead.”
He continued: “You can be in-patient at UCLA Hospital, so nurses and specialists will take care of everything to make sure for the first time, and you will be very comfortable there. I want you to make an appointment for chemotherapy right now and make a PET/CT appointment before chemotherapy.” He also said, very casually, “You need to take a bone marrow test.”
He did not stop. He asked me, “What kind of insurance do you have?”
His assistant said, “Ms. Suzuki has only Medicare.”
He said, “Medicare? That will not cover everything.
Do you have a secondary insurance to cover the rest of the cost?”
He looked down and continued, “Then you can be just out-patient to save money, but you must find your secondary insurance ASAP.”
Meanwhile, I did not say much.
The doctor said to my husband, Eric, “I think your wife is upset and not saying anything.
Well, you can think with her and decide on a chemotherapy date ASAP. Today, just do a blood test.”
I was shocked, confused, lost, and frozen. I did not want to say anything when I was in that state, and I did not really know what to say, either. I felt that the doctor’s voice was coming from far, far away. I knew I had to speak up to let him know how I felt… time was ticking.
I said, “I am not saying much because you just told me I have a very rare cancer. Don’t you know that I am shocked right now? I don’t think I can talk much now. I need time to digest this shocking, unexpected news.”
He said, “I understand, but the sooner you make a decision to do chemotherapy, the better.”
I asked him, “Do you ever have any patients who have same cancer as mine?” He said no. I asked if there was any way for him to find an oncologist who’d done treatment for this rare cancer. He said, “My three colleagues at UCLA who are lymphoma oncologists do no have experience with any patients with this rare lymphoma—so I don’t think so.”
I felt like he was a businessperson. I did not want to talk to him anymore, but I also did not want to leave the room with an uncomfortable feeling. So I said, “I have one thing I want to tell you before you leave: Your website photo is not so friendly, so you might want to change it.” He first looked at me like, What is she saying, but then he realized what I was talking about. He laughed and said, “I felt the same.” I was relieved to see he was able to laugh as a human.
I do not remember how I came home. I was too shocked to feel anything. I felt like I was trapped in a hole and could not seem to come out for a while again.
Slowly, my mind started to work and realized how serious this is for my life, Eric’s life, our animal family’s life, friends, family, students, and clients.
I first felt it couldn’t be cancer! What really happened to me?
No, I do not have cancer after 24 years cancer-free…
but the reality is that I have cancer again.
I am sad, disappointed, lost, confused, and scared once again. Silent—inside, I am calm and positive. Storm—my surface is chaotic and full of negative and insecure thoughts. I close my eyes and focus my breathing deep inside myself. I feel and hear what my surface is saying, acknowledge the thoughts, and move to focus more on my breathing. I repeat this over and over. Sometime later, I did not feel or hear negative or insecure thoughts.
I am shocked to find out I have cancer again, but I know I want to live—and I will live.
I am so grateful for 24 years of cancer-free life, and I’m now making an effort to accept my new journey and learn to live preciously all over again.
I know that even though I have been eating healthy lifestyle foods, like macrobiotic and/or whole, plant-based food, I am not going to live forever. Is this my time to go to heaven? No. I feel this is not my time yet.
Healing is multilayered; everything from emotions and beliefs, to the physical environment, affect our state of health.
From Louise Hay’s book Self Healing:
LIVER PROBLEMS (hepatitis): Resistance to change. Fear, anger, hatred. Liver is the seat of anger and rage.
Affirmation: My mind is cleansed and free. I leave the past and move into the new. All is well.
CANCER: What’s eating at you? Deep hurt, secrets, or grief.
Affirmation: I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my life with joy. I love and approve of myself.
I need to let go of the past and take care of emotional wounds. It will take a big overhaul this time.
I found a new oncologist whom I could to talk to about my feelings and receive human compassion. The progress of the cancer was very fast and I was getting weaker by day. Macrobioitc and natural healing was not able to heal on time so I was admitted to UCLA Hospital in Santa Monica for chemotherapy treatments now.
I feel less stress so I feel more strength to move forward mentally.
I shall keep writing when I am able to do so.
Thank you for your prayers and continuous support.
We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.
Here are our books:
My post post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:
2610A 23rd St.
Santa Monica, CA 90405
I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.
Love, Sanae 💖
To be continued: “Only Weeks To Live”
Leave a reply →
Dearest Sanae, I will be holding you in my heart and in my prayers for complete and gentle healing, and for you to be surrounded with the love and tender compassion of angels throughout this experience. I will visualize you as whole, completely healthy and fully, fully recovered.
Much love to you and to your husband and dogs,
Dear Sanae & Eric,
I’m so sorry that our lives have travelled separate paths over the years and that this news is what will bring us together. I don’t usually read blogs very often but something compelled me to read this newsletter/blog this time. I wasn’t even aware that you were dealing with hepatitis C. Your news floored me. I suppose from one cancer survivor to another, no one wants to hear ” cancer is back.” I know this is a time for internal resolve and if anyone can do it, you can. I would like to see you and bring some food to help Eric out. I feel hesitant to call the house (only number I have) because I don’t want to intrude. When and if your seeing visitors, please have Eric call me 818/339-9525. You both are in my thoughts right now and I’m sending you my healing energy. Lots of love,
Dear, precious Sanae,
Tears are falling as I write this to you. How can I say how much it pains me you have had to experience all this? You have my prayers and the prayers of everyone in our household – and everyone I talk to will be asked to pray for you. You will – you ARE – prevailing and healing right now and into the future. You are so precious and loving and kind and so treasured from afar. Please know my heart is given to praying for you and your husband and your precious furry children. You are so loved!!!
Dear Sanae, Your undying spirit to overcome is what I have always admired in you. Your beautiful smile is still full of light and happiness from the photos above even in the hospital. I know you will heal from this too as your inner instinct is strong and clear. I’m so glad you spoke up to the first doctor as our medical providers have basically become puppets for insurance companies. Prayers and healing energy to you!
Many OMs and SPECIAL PRAYERS for your Journey, for your recovery.
Love and Light, Bhumi (Harriet Russell)
I sent an earlier message but after speaking with my husband he highly recommends you or your husband look up chrisbeatcancer.com. There are lots of videos, instructions, testimonials, etc. on this website. It turned around my husband’s prostate cancer. He may well have someone on his video list who has dealt with what you are dealing with.
Lots of love and healing for you!!
Bon courage mes pensées positives sont vers toi j ai été ravie de te connaître. Lové you. Nicole Quebec xxxxx
Dear Sanae, I have been thinking of you and will continue to do so. I agree with Karen H’s comment – chrisbeatcancer.com is a wonderful resource. Also, Ty Bollinger’s “The Truth About Cancer” and Hippocrates Health Institute. And just yesterday, I read an article about Rick Simpson (look up Rick Simpson oil). Sending you much love and healing thoughts.
you picked the wrong person!
You can not destroy Sanae’s Power, Hope and her extraordinarily strong Soul. She is not your victim. Sanae is a fighter and a leader. She doesn’t fight alone. She has many friends, lots of love and support.
We are thinking of you during this difficult time and wish you all the best in health. We know you never give up the fight over cancer. Stay positive and keep an open door for energy which will bring you healing!
Warmly with love Brona and Jerry, Santa Monica
LuvU!!!! We send our deepest and biggest energy direct to your heart, Louise and Diane, Quebec xxxxxx
I agree it is not your time to go. You have much love and light inside you and I believe your healing journey will be an inspiration to many. I will keep you in my heart and prayers for full recovery. Thanks for your honest and beautiful blog.
Dear Sanae: You probably don’t remember me, but I have met you several times over the last 23 years. I want to tell you how much the work you have done has affected me. I have always tried to do macrobiotics as gracefully and beautifully as you have. I think of you almost every day and have for many years. This is because when I cook and try to do it in the gentle way that you do, it is very difficult for me. I have a big problem eating too much and using too much oil. I have your books and I always try to emulate you. Your food is like flower earth art. I am not just saying this to you it is true, I am constantly saying to myself when I cook and eat, “how would Sanae do it” “how would Sanae make this dish oil free. How would she make it more healthy and beautiful. Your presence affects me every day even though you don’t know me. I know you though through your books and your e newsletter. I know you will overcome this challenge as you have overcome so much in your life. You are a spring flower always! Thank you for continuing to influence me to be the best I can be. Thank you for the future too! Luv, Mary.
We don’t know each other well, but something told me I needed to read your recent newsletter. Gary and I send you and Eric so much love.
I must thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this blog. I’m hoping to view the same high-grade blog posts from you later on as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has motivated me to get my own website now
Dear Sanae cyan….I am going to India tomorrow. I pray for your full recovery. I will try to go to US as soon as possible.
Dear Sanae, I wish you “well” literally! We have not met in person. I came here by way of looking for the restaurant after seeing a video of Eric with Chef AJ.
I am a retired science librarian (UCLA and UC Davis.) When I heard your story, I did a literature search using PubMed. I found several interesting articles about the treatment prognosis for your condition. The R-Chop protocol is indeed the one that has been most successful. I would be happy to send you the PDF version of the articles I downloaded. Just send me an email so I will have your address. You may share these with your oncologist. Some are so new they have not appeared in print yet.
Also, I will send some info on using the plant Moringa Oleifera to fight cancer, and the medical article that demonstrated results. A friend with pancreatic cancer began using it and although the pancreatic tumor did not go away, all of his metastases (liver, lung, etc.) did in just a few months. Since there is no toxic side effect, this can be used while undergoing conventional treatments.
Sending you love and an endless supply of healing energy.
I Love you so much Sanae. I know you will pull though.
sanae, i saw something on facebook and here i am reading your blog posts. you make me laugh, you so funny and yet powerful and willing to be real with that first awful doctor who treated you like it was a business deal. but i laughed so hard when you told him his photo was not friendly. only you, precious you, could have the courage to lay it on the line like that! no, cancer can’t get the best of you, not 24 years later, not now, not ever. you are a warrior with such a deep whole heart and you will heal from this as you have healed from so much in this lifetime. i have faith in you. so do the nurses and the cleaning lady! mucho love, Ann
I am thinking of you often and sending long-distance Reiki healing. I hope you can see yourself as I see you: strong, courageous, filled with Divine well-being and your own unique beautiful light ☀️
Amy, Thank you for your comment and long-distance Reiki healing.
I think of you often too.