Sanae’s Story |

Only Weeks to Live

After a CT scan, biopsy, and one more test to do—a PET/CT scan—I was going to decide what kind of treatment to do for the cancer I was diagnosed Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver, stage IV (cause was Hepatitis C that I got from the blood transfusion result of the car accident in 2001).

Biopsy: Two areas of the liver

I was already so weak from the CT scan test and biopsy procedure (I had so much pain after biopcy). I was not able to take the PET/CT scan test as I’d planned, but finally I got strong enough to go on April 27. I am very sensitive to chemicals, synthetic medicines, household products and skin products, so it is a challenge for me to take any test at hospitals or clinics.

Everytime I had to take CT or PET scan I had to drink a liquid that contains either barium or a substance called Gastrografin (diatrizoate meglumine and diatrizoate sodium liquid). Barium and Gastrografin are both chemicals that help doctors get better images of my stomach and bowels. Barium has a chalky taste and texture. They had natural flavor one, but it was artificial flavor of course and I had to drink two bottle of 450ml. I felt vomiting, but nothing comes up since I had to fasting for 20 hours.

One of the two barium sulfate containers I need to drink before my CT scan

Photo: One of the two barium sulfate containers I need to drink before my CT/PET scan

When a nurse put iodine into my vein, I felt a sensation of pain all over my body. I felt that I needed a human touch, so I had to ask him to hold my hand. He looked at me first like, What are you asking me? That is not in my job description. But he held on to a few of my fingers. I wish he’d held my whole hand, but it worked, and I felt much better in a minute or so. I let his fingers go and said, “Thank you!” He did not say anything and walked away. It is a simple human act to me, but it may be the first time a patient has asked him to hold a hand.

After the PET/CT scan procedure was done, I asked the technician when I would get the results. He said not too long—that my doctor’s office would contact me when it came out, so I should wait. I wanted to make sure, so I repeated, “I do not need to call? They will call me?” He said yes.

Most of the test results took a few days to one week, so I was waiting. On May 10, I realized it had already been two weeks, but I had not heard from my doctor’s office. I called the hospital and found out the shocking news. The results were out on May 1 (10 days prior), but the doctor would not release them unless I made an appointment to come see him. I told them I was not instructed do so and was waiting, waiting and waiting. They also said he would be out on vacation, so I would not be able to see him till June 6. What? What did I hear now? I just could not believe what I was hearing. I needed to know the result now, so I would know what is going on.

They said someone would contact me to take care of the matter. I got a phone call from my oncologist’s assistant, who said the doctor could see me on May 30 instead of June 6. She would send the test result by post mail, since the record would not be online for another week. I could not believe it, but I was so exhausted with all this nonsense that I had no strength to argue.

I was trying to think that maybe the result was better, and that is why he did not contact me. As I wrote in the last blog, I did not think this doctor was a match for me. But I’d found only one doctor who’s had experience with this type of cancer; he is in Boston, and it was not easy for me to make a telephone appointment with him. So, I was sticking with the first doctor I had.

I received the PET/CT scan result by post mail, and it showed that cancer was taking almost all the liver.

I was getting weaker, day by day, and after May 10, I had so much pain throughout my liver. Every morning when I woke up, I looked at the sky and said, “Maybe I will not make it today.” But I said, “Sanae, not today! Today is for you to live!”

I love sky and clouds

Every morning when I woke up, I looked at the sky and said, “Maybe I will not make it today.” But I said, “Sanae, not today! Today is for you to live!”

When I had a near-fatal car crash in 2001, I felt like I might die. It is not a feeling you can explain, but you just know inside—feelings of fading away and not being able to grasp the moment of spirit here with my body on this earth. I was not really scared at that time, but I felt that I needed to choose what I want to do.

I felt that this was happening again—that I might not make it, and I have to do something.

I managed to celebrate Eric’s 50^th birthday on the 15^th. We had a quiet but great time by the ocean, our favorite place. (I had planned a big party for him at the end of the month, but it never happened, since I ended up being in the hospital.)

Eric’s 50th birthday by the beach

But when the next day came, I really felt that my life was coming to an end unless I find a new doctor/oncologist and act now!!!

I contacted good friends who could act right away and help me find a new doctor/oncologist. Two days later, the appointment for a new doctor came out of nowhere on May 19, at 1pm because the doctor had a cancellation. I was so weak, but Eric and two of my friends coordinate to take me with a wheelchair to a new oncologist’s office at 3:30 pm.

The oncologist explained the test result of PET/CT Scan very carefully, but directly and clearly. I felt she was a very compassionate person. When she found out I live a vegan, plant-based, macrobiotic lifestyle (no refined sugar) have not taken any medications for many years, have had no alcohol for 32 years, and do not smoke or consume coffee/caffeine, she said it means I am taking care of myself and am healthy, which is a good thing.

She gave me a choice of treatments. Since the cancer is so big and taking over almost all the liver, she suggested I do an aggressive, 24 hours a day five-day chemotherapy ＊EPOCH + Rituximab in the hospital right away.

＊ E – Etoposide
    P – Prednisone
    O – Oncovin (vincristine)
    C – Cyclophosphamide
    H – Hydroxydaunorubicin (doxorubicin)
    R – Rituximab

It is 24 hours a day and a long five-day treatment, but it is not big doze at one time/one day like R-Chop (cyclophosphamide, doxorubicin, vincristine, and prednisone, plus the monoclonal antibody rituximab – this was recommended by the first oncologist) so you receive treatment slowly and can monitor while you are receiving chemo to adjust the medications.

Eric asked what would happen if I did not do the treatment. Without hesitation, the oncologist said, “Sanae will die.”

Eric asked right a way, “How long does she have?”

The oncologist said “Weeks.”

I could hear Eric’s voice….“Not even one month?”

The oncologist confirmed: “Yes, less than one month.”

I could not see Eric’s face, but I could hear he was crying.

When I hear or see really scary things, I freeze and am not able to feel. I was not scared to hear I will die, but it is scary to see my love crying because I am dying. I never meant to harm him.

I was ready to take the treatment already, after wondering each morning whether or not I would make it. So, there was no question; I went to the hospital right away. The oncologist took care of everything, and I was admitted to UCLA Santa Monica Hospital by 5:30 pm.

It happened so fast, but I was feeling all right. Everything was good, even though I was not able to go back home to let my animal family know that I was going to be away for a while. I contacted them telepathically, and they all want me to get better.

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support.

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

Love, Sanae

Love, Eric and Sanae

Love, Eric Revised

Healthy Happy Pooch

My post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23^rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

To be continued: My First Chemotherapy

Cancer is Back!

The oncologist said,
“You have *Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma (DLBCL) Primary non-Hodgkin of Liver.
(* I found out later that I got this cancer because of Hepatitis C from the blood transfusion result of the car accident in 2001)

It is rare cancer. I recommend that you take R-CHOP, usually with a regimen of four drugs (cyclophosphamide, doxorubicin, vincristine, and prednisone), plus the monoclonal antibody rituximab (Rituxan). This regimen is most often given in cycles three weeks apart. Because this regimen contains the drug doxorubicin, which can damage the heart, it may not be suitable for patients with heart problems, so other chemo regimens may be used instead.”

He continued: “You can be in-patient at UCLA Hospital, so nurses and specialists will take care of everything to make sure for the first time, and you will be very comfortable there. I want you to make an appointment for chemotherapy right now and make a PET/CT appointment before chemotherapy.” He also said, very casually, “You need to take a bone marrow test.”

He did not stop. He asked me, “What kind of insurance do you have?”

His assistant said, “Ms. Suzuki has only Medicare.”

He said, “Medicare? That will not cover everything.
Do you have a secondary insurance to cover the rest of the cost?”
He looked down and continued, “Then you can be just out-patient to save money, but you must find your secondary insurance ASAP.”

Meanwhile, I did not say much.

The doctor said to my husband, Eric, “I think your wife is upset and not saying anything.

Well, you can think with her and decide on a chemotherapy date ASAP. Today, just do a blood test.”

I was shocked, confused, lost, and frozen. I did not want to say anything when I was in that state, and I did not really know what to say, either. I felt that the doctor’s voice was coming from far, far away. I knew I had to speak up to let him know how I felt… time was ticking.

I said, “I am not saying much because you just told me I have a very rare cancer. Don’t you know that I am shocked right now? I don’t think I can talk much now. I need time to digest this shocking, unexpected news.”

He said, “I understand, but the sooner you make a decision to do chemotherapy, the better.”

I asked him, “Do you ever have any patients who have same cancer as mine?” He said no. I asked if there was any way for him to find an oncologist who’d done treatment for this rare cancer. He said, “My three colleagues at UCLA who are lymphoma oncologists do no have experience with any patients with this rare lymphoma—so I don’t think so.”

I felt like he was a businessperson. I did not want to talk to him anymore, but I also did not want to leave the room with an uncomfortable feeling. So I said, “I have one thing I want to tell you before you leave: Your website photo is not so friendly, so you might want to change it.” He first looked at me like, What is she saying, but then he realized what I was talking about. He laughed and said, “I felt the same.” I was relieved to see he was able to laugh as a human.

I do not remember how I came home. I was too shocked to feel anything. I felt like I was trapped in a hole and could not seem to come out for a while again.

Slowly, my mind started to work and realized how serious this is for my life, Eric’s life, our animal family’s life, friends, family, students, and clients.

I first felt it couldn’t be cancer! What really happened to me?
No, I do not have cancer after 24 years cancer-free…
but the reality is that I have cancer again.

I am sad, disappointed, lost, confused, and scared once again. Silent—inside, I am calm and positive. Storm—my surface is chaotic and full of negative and insecure thoughts. I close my eyes and focus my breathing deep inside myself. I feel and hear what my surface is saying, acknowledge the thoughts, and move to focus more on my breathing. I repeat this over and over. Sometime later, I did not feel or hear negative or insecure thoughts.

I am shocked to find out I have cancer again, but I know I want to live—and I will live.

I am so grateful for 24 years of cancer-free life, and I’m now making an effort to accept my new journey and learn to live preciously all over again.

Photo: Eric brought his delicious lunch for me.

I know that even though I have been eating healthy lifestyle foods, like macrobiotic and/or whole, plant-based food, I am not going to live forever. Is this my time to go to heaven? No. I feel this is not my time yet.

Healing is multilayered; everything from emotions and beliefs, to the physical environment, affect our state of health.

From Louise Hay’s book Self Healing:

LIVER PROBLEMS (hepatitis): Resistance to change. Fear, anger, hatred. Liver is the seat of anger and rage.

Affirmation: My mind is cleansed and free. I leave the past and move into the new. All is well.

CANCER: What’s eating at you? Deep hurt, secrets, or grief.
Affirmation: I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my life with joy. I love and approve of myself.

I need to let go of the past and take care of emotional wounds. It will take a big overhaul this time.

I found a new oncologist whom I could to talk to about my feelings and receive human compassion. The progress of the cancer was very fast and I was getting weaker by day. Macrobioitc and natural healing was not able to heal on time so I was admitted to UCLA Hospital in Santa Monica for chemotherapy treatments now.
I feel less stress so I feel more strength to move forward mentally.

I shall keep writing when I am able to do so.

Photo: Admitted to UCLA with V sign…I am so Japanese!

Photo: My routine arm exercise with a half pound weight.

Photo: Feeling good day, Yoko-san came to visit!

Thank you for your prayers and continuous support.

We are grateful and invite you to help us at this time by YouCaring Fundraisng to Support Sanae’s Recovery from Cancer or purchasing our books directly from us to cover my medical expenses.

Here are our books:

Love, Sanae

Love, Eric and Sanae

Love, Eric Revised

Healthy Happy Pooch

My post post mailing address for sending your card, gift or check:

2610A 23^rd St.

Santa Monica, CA 90405

I will not be able to personally reply to each person, but I promise I will read everyone’s messages, emails, and cards.

Love, Sanae 💖

To be continued: “Only Weeks To Live”

After 24 Years of Recovery From Ovarian Cancer

It was my birthday on April 4th this month of April.

I spent the most ordinary, beautiful birthday at my favorite place in the world: the beach.

Watching a beautiful sunset and a full moon at the same time touched my soul so much.

Now I am 62 years old.

I had ovarian cancer when I was 38 years old. It has been 24 years I am very proud that I almost never got sick after I recovered from cancer and have been living a happy life.

Photo: On my birthday with Kula’s sister, Oro who is my new service dog at the beach

There were two incidents that led me to get sick last 24 years:

One was when I had a serious car crash in 2001 and had a blood transfusion. I found out I got hepatitis C virus ((HCV primarily affects the liver) from the blood transfusion. I was able to manage with macrobiotics and a natural lifestyle, so I did not have to take any medication.

The second incident was when I got Helicobacter pylori (bacteria infection in the stomach) while I was traveling 3.5 years ago. It was very challenging to recover from this bacteria, but I again used all-holistic methods—macrobiotics, homeopathic medicine, and other natural healing remedies. It took more than three months to see positive results.

Hepatitis C virus and Helicobacter pylori bacteria are types of conditions that you can manage, but once you get them, your body never gets rid of them completely. Also, they can lead to cancer, so I have been careful.

Photo: Sunset and seagulls

But sometimes we face unexpected disaster, misfortune, accidents, trouble, sadness, grief, pain and suffering. I faced the loss of my beloved dog daughter, who was also my service dog for 13 years, as well as the closing of our restaurant Seed Kitchen after 8 years—both of which were very painful and challenging times last year. I was not feeling 100 percent last 6 months. I have been feeling weak and extremely fatigued without doing much, so I knew there was something going on. I decided to go see my doctor and take tests since I did not have any complete tests for a few years.

I was shocked to find out the hepatitis C virus had flared up, but I knew my emotional state was very fragile with grieving so much since last Aug.

Now I know why I was feeling so exhausted, so even though I was shocked to find out, I know what to do. To see if everything is all right, I will have some more tests to take soon. In the meantime, I need to rest a lot. I have started to make special healing food and remedies that work for me so I am able to get up and move around.

I also decided to take a leave of absence from most of my work and not take any new clients. I would like to focus on healing my mind, body and spirit.

I made a decision to live my life preciously when I had cancer, so I want to respect “Sanae” and her feeling and continue my life preciously and slowly.

Photo: Full moon on my birthday

I love to express myself by writing, so I still want to write when I am feeling all right here and there like today. I will not be able to reply to you, so please understand.

I look forward to announcing my recovery and my new adventure.

Love, Sanae 💖

Looking Back at 2016

Life’s challenges come just like the waves of the ocean.
Some are big, and some are small.
2016 is almost over.
Eric and I had an opportunity to look back over the whole past year.

I wish I could write about how wonderful 2016 was, but I want to share our real life and true feelings and be honest about the many challenges we had.

The last month of the year, I usually feel sad and unable to match the outside world of cheerful faces and holiday gatherings, so I tend to stay home more, be with my dogs and cats family, and do knitting/crocheting or other hand-making projects. But two weeks ago, I was feeling run-down and unable to do what I wanted to do my daily chore.
I told Eric that I was not feeling well, and he responded, “Okay,” and then he started talking about a GoPro he was trying to get with his credit card reward points. I asked him what he meant by “Okay,” and he did not have much of an answer. We ended up having an argument that did not make any sense. We felt frustrated because we argued over nothing, and because of our argument, our cat Mai Mai got scared and started peeing all over. Tin Tin laid down in his litter box and not coming out for a few hours.

Mai Mai peed all over the house about a year ago also, when we did not know what to do with our Seed Kitchen business and we were very stressed out, so I knew this must be from stress again.
It took about a week, but I realized that I was not the only one feeling sad and tired. Eric also felt sad, tired and grieving. Eric almost never gets sick or takes sick days off from work, but he had a dry cough (which usually comes from grieving) and fever, and he had to take a day off. I was weak and had no motivation to do much. We both had bad dreams.

What did we do?
We nurtured ourselves with respect and friendly manners—meaning no arguments.
We made special remedy drinks (Lotus Root), homeopathy (Ignatia Amara for grieving), and cooked healing food, our garden wintergreen Shungiku water sauteed ; we took a warm bath with Bach Flower (Rescue Remedy and Honeysuckle) and Aromatherapy oils (Mandarin, Lavender and Clary Sage) ; we stayed in bed with a hot water bottle and slept; when we were awake, we watched good movies and cuddled; we meditated in bed and just saw our feelings as they were. We also cried and rested with our five dogs and two cats. They totally understood us and never complained. They comforted and rested with us. I think they needed this family bonding. Mai Mai stopped peeing all over.

Looking back at 2016, we realized what we lost this year was big—from my completely cracking a tooth while having a nightmare, to losing our beloved dog daughter Kula and our lifetime work Seed Kitchen. Life has struggles, no matter what; it is up to us to live as though this is a beautiful struggle or a miserable struggle.

Today, we decided that our life is a beautiful struggle, and we appreciate what we still have—I still have 31 teeth out of 32—so I am ready to move forward to 2017.

Whatever you are going through, I hope you are able to look at the bright side.
If you are not able to do so, take a rest and please nurture yourself like I am doing for myself now; that is the best remedy you can give yourself.

Thank you for your support and being our friends and family.

Wishing you a healthy and happy New Year 2017!

Love, Sanae💖

Kula’s 100th-Day Memorial

In Buddhist tradition, the 100th-day memorial is prominent after the 49th-day memorial. (I wrote about what we did for Kula for 49th-Day Memorial here)

Kulas Albums with 214 photos in 84 pages.

We express our affection and gratitude to Kula—who departed on August 1, 2016—in a natural manifestation of untainted and pure emotion. This is an occasion for sincere and deep reflection on life and death.

The 100th-day memorial is a time to sort out clothing and other items that belonged to the deceased and share them with others, sending gratitude to family and friends. After 100 days, you are supposed to stop crying.

I washed Kula’s collar, towels, and bed and gave them to other dogs.

I decided to send Kula’s 49th-day memorial cards—with my calligraphy and art envelopes—to family and friends who could not come.

That took time, but I completed!

Sending Kula’s card with my calligraphy and art envelopes.

I feel Kula’s existence every day, but I felt it, even more, when I celebrated her 100th-day memorial. I practiced yoga felt Kula that morning so strongly and my tears came down as missing her…

We went to the beach restaurant where we used to go with Kula.

It was a warm day, even though it is November, so there was no parking by the beach. I called to Kula and asked her to find parking, and she gave us a perfect parking spot in a second. We knew Kula was an angle, but now she is also a parking angel!

Eric & Happy at the beach

We decided to take Happy along with us since Happy has received the most influence from Kula since they walked together everyday for a few years; we went to the water after dinner and called to Kula!

Kula loved the beach so much, and we went to the beach with her for many years…we felt that she was there enjoying herself even now.

We thank Kula for her life and memories.

Kula’s favorite plumeria flowers are still blooming this year!

With love and Kula’s favorite plumeria flowers (even November they are still blooming this year),

Sanae💖

Kula, Golden Retriever’s 49th-Day Memorial

Kula came into my life when I was in my wheelchair in 2003 after I had a near-fatal car crash. Her mother, Kin, was my service dog. After Kin departed, I wished for Kula to be my service dog. She was a very shy and quiet puppy, so even during the two years that we took her to training, I was not sure if she could be a service dog. But she worked to build her confidence and passed the test.

Kula’s 49th-Day Gathering register desk with friends wishes for Kula.

Kula was the most gentle, smart and kind dog I’ve ever met. She became not only my service dog—opening the door, picking up things I dropped—but also my beloved dog daughter, who was there for me every day to enjoy her life with us. She loved going to the beach, on mountain hikes, swimming, diving into Manzanita Lake, and enjoying the snow. We had a beautiful life together for 13 years.

I felt much sadness after Kula departed on August 1, 2016.

I wanted to honor her life and process my grief and longing through a memorial gathering with my husband Eric and others who’d loved her all her life.

Kula used to go to senior homes, where she made many people happy, as well as to the Santa Monica Farmers Market, where she’d meet children and let them feed her organic apples.

Please read about her going to senior homes and Santa Monica Farmers Market on my blog.

This is the memorial card I made for the friends/guests with her favorite flowers: plumeria and white hibiscus.

Here is Kula’s photo album “Kula’s Beautiful Life”, which I made with Eric. It contains 84 pages and 214 photos.

We had 26 guests, and we got all kinds of great food (everything was vegan, except one dish). I made Kula’s favorite hijiki dish, and Eric made Kula Cake—vanilla flavor with almond cream.

These below photos were taking by our good friend, Claire Johnson.

Sanae (me) and Eric with Eric’s Kula Cake and all the potluck food!

Vadaka

Jeff and Phung and their daughter, Quyen and son, Khai with Kula’s sister, Oro, Jessica, Florence and Manuela…

Masano and Rin.

Sanae (me) and Allison with Kula’s nephew, Bubu

Michellee and her mom.

Sanae (me) with Kula’s dog family Health Happy Pooches (let to right Bubu, Happy, Oro, Leo and Lumi).

Sal & Mariko with Kula’s grand niece, Happy.

Stephanie, Sally, and Karin.

John, Carole, Manuela and Jessica…

Eric with powerful vegan ladies: Chef AJ, Armaiti, Shayda and Lisa

Michiyo, Dan, Masako and Yoko singing and dancing

Singing Kula’s Pacific Blue

Amanda

Michiyo & Dan

Everyone put incent for Kula.

Our friends/guests shared their wishes, thoughts, and love for Kula.

I sang “Kula’s Pacific Blue” (I changed the lyrics) with Eric’s ukulele, accompanied by Dan How, our ukulele teacher.

I was nervous and made mistakes—you can see how I sang—but it was from my heart, and I really want to share it with everyone.The video was posted by Kula and our friend Chef AJ on Facebook.

Claire and I were able to retrieve it and post on Youtube so you can watch it and remember we had a fun and good memorial for Kula.

Kula’s Pacific Blue!

As I said in this video, animals have feelings and emotions, just like humans. Honoring their lives and holding memorial services help us to experience healthy grieving and learn how to be good humans.

With gratitude and love of light,

Sanae 💖