Sanae’s Story |

Highlights of 2025

As 2025 comes to a close, I look back on a year that began with wildfires in Los Angeles and unfolded with many challenges. 　

There were moments of deep uncertainty. During that time, I wrote a blog post titled “Sharing My Feelings After the Wildfires…”, trying to give words to what I was experiencing.

Uncertainty brings fear, and it often reveals a darker side within us.

After Christmas, we were invited to a small jazz gathering at the North Fork Library. A 19-year-old singer and trumpeter named Elba performed a Nina Simone song.

One part of the lyrics stayed with me:

“So forget your foolish pride, life is too short for sorrow.
You may be here today and gone tomorrow.
You might as well get what you want,

I have been writing about my feelings and experiences on my blog for over 10 years. This feels like a moment to pause and reflect.

Yes, I will continue to write as I always have.

I am here now, but I may be gone tomorrow. That is simply the truth. While I am here, I will write it like it is.

Around the world, many things have happened, and many are still happening. Some are deeply painful—wars, gun violence (especially in America), natural disasters, and so much more.

Because of that, I try to focus my life on what I can do to move forward.

When I face difficult situations, I often need to stop and reset myself—sometimes picking up where I left off, and other times starting over completely. I use whatever ability I have at that moment and do what I can.

Here are the highlights of my year, in the order they came to my mind.

Staying healthy

For me, health is the most important foundation for living. I do my best to take care of myself. I have survived two cancers—ovarian cancer and lymphoma—as well as physical and emotional disabilities from a near-fatal car accident. Through all of this, I have learned a great deal about how to care for “Sanae.”

Physical health is important, but for me, mental and emotional health are essential. It took a long time to understand this and to turn that understanding into daily practice.

When I feel foggy or stuck in a low emotional place, I am not happy. At those times, I need to communicate with myself about what is happening inside. When necessary, I also share how I am feeling with Eric, so he can understand what is going on with me. This helps keep my thoughts from drifting too far into dark places.

I try to communicate with friends as well, but it is not always easy. Many people are not practiced in expressing their feelings, so sometimes I end up saying very little.

Meaningful communication is not only about speaking emotions directly. It can also be expressed through letters, cards, gifts, and by setting healthy boundaries.

Also, being with the animal family and spending time in nature. I love cuddling my cats and going hiking with my dogs!

Building strength and moving my body

To stay healthy, I have been trying new ways to be more physical—building muscle and getting outside more often. Walk more steadily!

I have not been able to practice yoga regularly since I injured my left knee when a neighbor’s dog attacked me and one of my dogs, Nalu, two years ago. The Qigong class at Virginia Park has been very helpful because it is outdoors. I walk two blocks to get there and enjoy a little conversation with the people taking the class. I also tried Tai Chi for 6 weeks, but it worsened my knee pain, so I knew it was not for me right now.

I wanted to do more than Qigong and find a way to improve my knee so I could reduce—or eliminate—pain. Two years ago, after the dog attack, I had only gone to urgent care. The X-ray showed no broken bones, but my knee was already weak from previous injuries. I received acupuncture and therapeutic massage, but the knee joint is complex, involving bones, cartilage, ligaments, tendons, and muscles working together. Remembering how helpful physical therapy had been in the past, I finally went to see my primary care doctor. My doctor agreed and recommended physical therapy.

I had avoided seeing my primary doctor for a long time, but I am glad I finally did.

I attended physical therapy at UCLA Hospital off and on for about eight months. I learned that less, but more frequent movements, are better than pushing too hard. Each visit, the therapists would ask, “Any falls or injuries?” That question made me realize how important it is—especially now, at age 70—to avoid falls and injuries.

I remembered how my mother’s health declined after she felt and had a hip surgery when she was 70, and how she eventually stopped walking before she passed away. That memory stays with me.

After lymphoma and chemotherapy in 2017, I lost a great deal of muscle, and my bone structure was affected. Since then, I have been working to rebuild my bones through daily movement and supplements such as Vitamin D. I want to avoid osteoporosis and other bone diseases.

Although my oncologist recommended seeing a bone specialist, it took me three years to finally do so. I had a bone density test and learned more about my bone health. Lightweight lifting was recommended, but I do not enjoy weightlifting or going to the gym—especially because I am very sensitive to smells, so people’s perspiration bothers me so much.

It took time, but I eventually found what works for me.

Aqua Yoga became the best way to rebuild strength without causing pain in my knee. I am grateful that I did not give up and continued searching for something I truly enjoy. I feel stronger and more upright now.

Teaching again

Because I stayed healthy, I was able to teach consistently—two to four times a month—for the entire year. I am deeply grateful to be teaching again.

Next year, I am scheduled to teach more Sashiko workshops, a new mending workshop at JACCC (Japanese American Cultural Community Center), and even a Macrobiotic class. I have also been invited to teach a two-day workshop at the Southern California Weaver Guild, and I am looking forward to what I can share there.

I have not taught Macrobiotic cooking itself for some time. Macrobiotics is much more than cooking—it is a holistic philosophy and lifestyle centered on balance and harmony through food, activity, mindset, and environmental awareness. It emphasizes whole, natural foods prepared mindfully to support physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Through my Sashiko workshops, I have been teaching practices that support mental and environmental awareness. Recently, I was asked to teach Macrobiotic cooking and the Five Element principles, so there may be another opportunity to share that work soon.

Saying goodbye to Lumi

I am deeply grateful that I was able to support Lumi in living fully until her very last breath.

She was one of my most beloved dogs, and I still miss her every day. I was blessed to share fifteen and a half years with her, and she passed peacefully at home. Every morning, I still light a candle to honor her and feel her presence.

You can read more about Lumi here:

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2025/06/07/tribute-to-my-beloved-dog-daughter-lumi/

“Tortoise Pace” collage

This was my third time submitting a collage to the Santa Monica Emeritus Gallery exhibition.

The curator, Jesse Benson, selected my piece for display alone on the first wall. When I saw it, I almost cried with joy.

The collage was created mostly from screws, metal, and seaweed I collected while walking with Lumi around our neighborhood and the beach in Cayucos. I also used postage stamps, photographs, watercolor, colored pencils, and washi paper.

Despite the rain, many people came to the opening reception. I am grateful to everyone who took the time to see my work, especially the friends who came to support me.

Making handmade holiday gifts

I am not sure when it started, but handmade gifts have become part of our holiday tradition.

Each year, we make miso, umeboshi plums, ume plum jam, elderberry tea, yuzu kosho, and more. This year, we also made grape jam—Eric had the opportunity to harvest a large amount of grapes from Leonardo DiCaprio’s property—and yuzu jam after making yuzu kosho.

I also stitched several Sashiko pieces as gifts.

Reconciliation after the dog attack

Two years ago, one of our dogs, Nalu, and I were attacked by a neighbor’s dog. At the time, I did not know how—or if—I could reconcile with the dog’s owner.

Five years earlier, Nalu had been attacked by the same dog. She was so terrified that she ran nearly two miles before being rescued. She was injured and suffered severe PTSD, becoming reactive toward other dogs for a few years. It was a heartbreaking period, though she slowly improved.

Then, two years ago, the same dog attacked again. This time, I was with Nalu and also injured. Both of us took Bach Flower Remedies to help with fear and emotional trauma.

Eventually, I contacted the dog’s owners. The wife was kind and thoughtful, but the husband was not. He denied the first attack, even though I talked to him that time once, but he never returned my calls after the second call. This time, I considered suing, but I knew it would be too stressful.

The wife left a card and a gift for Nalu, and later paid part of my medical expenses. We met for tea at a nearby café, where she shared that she was going through a divorce and no longer had the financial means to help further.

I needed to decide what would truly help me heal. I chose to focus on physical therapy for my knee. Because I do not drive, I asked her to take me to my therapy appointments, which she did.

The dog that attacked us has since passed away. I felt deep compassion for this woman—she had been through so much, not only because of the dog, but because of her marriage, the divorce, and her own losses.

She did the best she could. For the holidays, I gave her our homemade gift. I wished her well and hoped for a gentler year ahead.

What truly matters

I believe that money brings convenience, but not true happiness. I have not seen that wealth alone creates joy. I am at peace with the choices I made in handling this difficult situation with compassion and care.

Overall, 2025 was a deeply meaningful and fulfilling year for me.

I want to continue planting seeds, allowing them to grow and bloom, and harvesting new seeds for the future.

After the rain, the day after Christmas at Bass Lake

Thank you all for supporting me through another year.

Wishing you a healthy, peaceful, and joyful New Year.

(￣∀￣)❤️
Love,
Sanae

Birthday 70!

I have turned 70.
I can’t believe it!

A long time ago, a fortune teller told me I probably live till 60 but do not live long.
I do not believe it seriously, but it stays in my mind when I hear something like that, so I did not forget about it.

Since I was born, I have had many near-death experiences, so it may be a miracle that I am still alive and enjoying a fulfilling life. I try to live each day with gratitude.

Now that I’m 70, I can definitely feel my body aging. I have aches and pains all over my body, and I often find myself looking for things every day because I can’t find them, but for some reason, I feel young at soul and mostly upbeat.
I don’t feel that old yet, so isn’t 70 that old after all?

However, compared to when I was younger, I’ve become calmer, so I guess that’s the benefit of age.
I did many things when I was younger, like skydiving, scuba diving, and bungee jumping.
Now I’m satisfied with my situation, have no desire to do anything extreme, and enjoy relaxing each day.
It may be just me aging.

After my 69th birthday, I told Eric I wanted to go to Europe, specifically Rome (Italy), to celebrate my 70th birthday and made a plan with him.
Going to Rome has been on my bucket list since I saw Audrey Hepburn in “Roman Holiday” when I was 9 years old.

The movie was released in 1953 before I was born, so I do not remember how I watched it, but it must have been with my father since he loved to see foreign movies and took me to many French movies, too.

In 1997, I went to Europe for three weeks alone, cooking at macrobiotic centers and helping out at cooking classes. I also went to several places in Italy, but my luggage was stolen on the train from Venice to Rome, so I didn’t go to Rome. Eric didn’t go to Rome when he was working in Italy, so I showed him Audrey Hepburn’s “Roman Holiday,” he liked the scene where she toured Rome on a Vespa.

But our beloved eldest golden retriever, Lumi, is 15 years old.

Lumi two weeks ago at dog family gathering.

She had a heart attack in December and a weakened lung in February, so we don’t know how long she can live.
Lumi still eats well and lives a relaxed life but needs help getting up because of arthritis. We tried to get her to wear diapers, but she didn’t like it. She has a pride who gets up and tries to go outside to the bathroom, even in a diaper.
But I understand how she feels.
She takes homeopathic and Chinese medicine every day. I massage her legs and spine daily and give her moxibustion, making her feel good.
She’s a precious family member, so we do our best to make sure she lives his life to the fullest.

So, we decided not to go to Rome or Europe.
Eric asked me what I wanted to do for my 70th birthday.

My favorite thing to do is to spend time in nature with my whole family: Eric, our dogs (Lumi, Nalu, Kai, Lani, Makani), and our cats (Tin Tin and Mai Mai).

I asked Eric to take all of us on a camping trip to one of our favorite places, Morro Bay State Park.

Going camping with five dogs and two cats, lots of stuff to prepare their food since we make homemade food for them.
But we’ve been camping before, so we know what to do. It just takes time. We can do it.

We stopped by Santa Barbara on the first day to see our good friend Kelly. She just moved to a lovely new house. She had a big persimmon, loquat, guava, and ginko trees.
Kelly loves to use my organic botanical skincare products ( I have been using my organic botanical skincare products for about 20 years).
I look forward to showing her how to make tinctures there.
She took us for lunch at Santa Barbara Yacht Club.

She gave me glass flower bases for my birthday. The box said “Kin.”
I and my first golden retriever, Kin, met her and her golden retriever, Daisy, at the dog beach in Santa Barbara almost 30 years ago.
I appreciate our friendship so much!

We arrived at Morro Bay State Park just before Sunset after Santa Barbara.
We have come to this camping ground before.
It is near the ocean and the Museum of Natural History.
Makani had never come to this campground, but she had been on a camping trip with us before, so she had fun with her dogs family and the cats were relaxing in the kitty condo.

We brought homemade lentil soup for dinner for us.
We had a simple, delicious meal in the van.
I sew the moon and stars with the ocean wind at night, celebrating my last night in my 60s.

The next morning was supposed to be cooler, but it got warmer, and the sun showed the face and whispered, “Happy 70th Birthday, Sanae.”

As Eric was feeding the dog family breakfast, a couple of people passing by were surprised we had many dogs and said, “Wow, five dogs! Dogs are from God!” I thought right away that maybe living with a dog means being protected by God!

After breakfast, we hiked a little and visited the Morro Bay Museum of Natural History.

There were many elementary kids for their field trip.
Beautiful Morro Bay rock!

I love learning about nature and the local habitat. I did not know that Morro Bay was founded in 1870.

We enjoyed there a lot and got an extraordinary seaweed book.

Then, we went to Cuyucos Dog Beach.
This dog beach is Morro Bay Rock in the back of the scene.

It’s the best dog beach I have ever known.
As we got our dogs out of the van, someone said, “Oh, many dogs, dog is God!”
It was the second time people commented on Dog and God that morning.
I know that when our dogs are happy, we are happy, too; it must be God’s work!

We put our recently bought cart on the sand at the beach so that Lumi could enjoy it, too. I pulled the cart for Lumi on the beach.

She couldn’t walk well, but she was happy to feel the breeze and smell the ocean.

Nalu, Kai, Lani, and Makani enjoyed running, chasing each other, and eating seaweed.

After Dog Beach, we went to Cambria to window shop and to a natural food store, where we bought some local boysenberry jam.

Our camping toaster!

Then, Harmony (a small town with a population of 18) where Eric tasted some wine and bought some.

The birthday dinner was at Harbor Hut, one of the oldest restaurants we like to visit in Morro Bay. Eric reserved our favorite seat so we could see the sunset by Morro Bay Rock.

What a precious, thoughtful gift filled my heart.

On this day, I got birthday calls from my friends Masayo, Angel, and Mark. Thank you, everyone!

On the morning of the second day, we decided to go somewhere we’d never been before and headed to a town called Los Osos.
Eric bought some sourdough bread at a local bakery.

We also went to dip in a mineral bath at Avila Spa.

The mineral bath helped ease my legs and lower back pain.
I didn’t have a swimsuit, so I wore black underwear and a tank top (lol).

Then, in the afternoon, we saw another good friend, Laura, who lives nearby. She went to Kushi Institute to learn macrobiotics and used to cook macrobiotic food for my client. We had a late lunch / early dinner at Shine Cafe. We both ordered Tempeh Reuben sandwiches, but they looked different than what we thought. The waiter said they were a tempeh sandwich, and just difference was no sauerkraut this one. Do you want sauerkraut?
Laura and I said at the same time.” Of course, sauerkraut!” and laughed so much!!!

A farmers’ market was nearby, so we walked around and checked local vegetables, fruits, and artist crafts. Laura got a ceramic pin matching my hat – a cute orange bird from a local ceramist for my birthday.

Then, I came up with the idea of getting a foot massage to relax. Eric said no, but I said it was my birthday, so you need to celebrate with a foot massage.
We all got massages and feel so much better.
In the evening, we returned to the campground and talked with Eric’s banana muffin, Los Osos’s sourdough bread, vegan cheese, and kukicha till we got tired.

It was no stressful, simple, happy weekend for my birthday.

Now, I have returned home and connected with the trees and plants in my garden that I have been helping to grow for almost 40 years.
I am happy they are around me and give me a botanical vibe.

Nancy, my frined who live behind us brought me a birthday card and flowers from the garden, and we made plans to go out for sushi.
I got a birthday call from Amanda, a kind friend who remembered my birthday even though she lost everything in the wildfires in January.
My long-time friend, Jessica, took me to a birthday brunch in Marina del. It was a fun time with delicious food.

My longest-time friend (since Pepperdine University), Judy, is taking me to dinner next week; I am lucky to have good friends and feel happy to continue celebrating my 70!

I am grateful to age slowly and find my interest in everyday life to move forward.

Love,

Sanae ❤️

Sharing My Feelings After The Wildfires…

It has been over two weeks since the most devastating wildfires in Los Angeles. My heart goes out to people affected by the wildfire.

I appreciate all of you contacting me and showing your concerns. Eric and I are safe with five dogs and two cats’ family here in Santa Monica.

Although we did not have actual fire damage, I have been emotional and feeling fear. I wrote this blog to move forward in response to the fear of this wildfire and my sad feelings.

The fire occurred on Tuesday, January 7th, around 10:20 am.

That day, I left home at 8:40 am and went to a Qigong class.

I had a habit of looking at the sky, and I remembered it was blue, so I was grateful as I walked.

After the class, I was at home making a sample for the Sashiko Workshop; Eric phoned me and told me about the wire.

I asked Eric, is it close?

He said it was Pacific Paracede, about 11 miles from our house.

I went outside and saw the gray-pinkish big smoke over the north side of our house.

I noticed the wind started to get so intense, and our trees in the garden were swinging like children’s parks. It was a twisting swing I never saw before. The wind got so bad it broke the branches of the trees as they twisted off. We could not sleep that night, watching the news all the time and checking Watch Duty – Wildfire Maps & Alerts

When the second area of Santa Monica received mandatory evacuation (about 3 miles from our house), we packed our passports and some of our belongings, set up a large cat crate with a litter box for cats and dog beds in the van, and got ready to evacuate.

Seeing the smoke and flame from the rooftop of our house, I let out a speechless scream.

The next day, amidst the black smoke, the sun was dyed red, which I had never seen in my life. I had to face the horrors of reality.

When the news showed about 12,000 houses were burned down, I felt like I was just staring at the screen in a daze, unable to believe it, as if I was watching the devastation of war.

Finding out some of our friends lost their houses in the wildfire and some are still evacuating made us feel such sad and heavy feelings.　
My heart hurts when I think about how long everyone has to go.
We meditated more to send love and compassion to these people. We also did what we could by making donations, but I felt helpless.
In the meantime, we cared for ourselves to find even the slightest joy and happiness.
I can’t ignore the indescribable emotions that can’t be put into words in the air.

Over the first weekend of Eric’s day off, we escaped the smoky air and went to Santa Barbara’s dog beach.

Last week, we celebrated Lumi’s 15th birthday. It lifted up our spirits! Thank Lumi so much for her strength to live!

Today, I’m listening to Cheri Huber’s audiobook “The Fear Book” as I prepare material kit for my first sashiko workshop at JACCC this weekend. I hope the Sashiko workshop helps people heal during challenging times.

What fear is (from Cheri Huber’s book)

…fear is the hunted, not the hunter.

Fear is not what you think it is.

…..Fear is a very useful signal along the path to freedom.

Cheri Huber’s Free Audiobook site

https://www.livingcompassion.org/audio-books

Who Gose Slowly Goes Far

When I was a child (around elementary school), I never thought about knowing anything about myself.

So I just believed what the adults – my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my school teachers – said about me, and I didn’t realize what I was feeling.

I was not good at creating things quickly, writing quickly, or implementing them immediately. The adults around me called me “NOROMA”（it means SLOW) because I started everything leisurely and couldn’t finish it on time. “Noroma” also means “not attentive” in Japanese, which didn’t sound positive. Therefore, I believed that I was not good at creating or implementing something.

As a result, I can’t count the number of times I’ve given up on creating something or stopped before it was completed.

I learned crochet and embroidery in elementary school between 9 and 12 years old.

However, I could hardly complete any projects at school.

First, think about what to make, what color to use, and what kind of thread to use.

By the time I finally decided to start, everyone else had already finished about half of it. That’s why I was so behind that I couldn’t complete it at all in the classroom.

I could have finished it at home, but I didn’t.

Why?

That’s because my parents’ home didn’t have an atmosphere of art or crafts at all. I’ve tried making something at home a few times, but when I did, they would say, “You’re making a lot of trouble. You can’t finish it.” Or, “Why did you take so long to make it?” so I didn’t want to do anything at home.

Of course, I did not know if I could make it or not, but I wanted to try with my best ability. However, I felt that my family did not support me, so I did not want to do anything at home.

But that didn’t mean I completely lost my passion for creating things. It took me many years, but I started to do some simple knitting, do pottery, do stained glass, and do a little gardening.

When I started studying macrobiotics after I got ovarian cancer, I realized that I could take the time to cook according to the five seasons, and I thought I could do this. Carefully wash whole grains, brown rice, etc. and cook them slowly over time in a ceramic or stainless steel pot instead of an electric kettle. It was perfect for me, as I gently washed vegetables, cut them with care, and cooked them. I enjoyed studying and learning a lot.

I like weaving, knitting, crocheting, and sashiko projects, as well as calligraphy, wood carving, natural dyeing (using organic indigo, herbs, and flowers), natural ink making, mosaics, stained glass, woodblock prints, making miso, Japanese umeboshi plums, grow organic plants and more.

I started enjoying my favorite things in my spare time from work, such as watercolor painting and growing my favorite medicinal herbs in my garden after I recovered from ovarian cancer.

As I got older and started to enjoy a slower life, I’ve started working in between doing my favorite things, which is the opposite of what I used to do.

By doing something I like even a little bit every day, I realized that since I was a child, I actually like things that take time to make. I found myself enjoying taking my time and being careful, and carefree about my time.

I found that I felt most comfortable going slowly.

I do not mind being careful “NOROMA”.

I’ve joined Wildfiber Studio‘s sweater club about seven years ago. Slowly over the past five years, have learned and perfected how to knit and crochet many sweaters and cardigans.

Birthday Wishes and Gifts

A birthday card arrived in the mailbox.
It came from my longtime friend J, whom I met while attending Pepperdine University (45 years ago).

She drew a scene where we recently saw a movie on the card.
The scene is as follows:
Eric was buying our tickets, and the person selling them asked my friend J and me if we were over 62.
She and I are the same age, and we looked at each other and asked each other, “Huh? How old are we?”

We could not think of our age at that moment right away, and we laughed so much. Receiving this card made me laugh so much again.

It is so wonderful to age well.
Most of the time, we can’t even remember how old we are because we usually feel young and have much fun without paying attention to how old we are.
I’m fortunate to have a best friend like J.

Come to think of it, a long time ago (probably more than 30 years ago), I was talking with my friend “J” on the sidewalk when an elderly woman walked past us and said, “Age before beauty!” I remembered.

I had never heard the phrase “age before beauty” before, so I asked J, who was an English major, what it meant.
I don’t remember exactly what J said- but it meant something like “Age is more valuable than youth or beauty.”
I didn’t realize its true meaning until recently, but I’m finally at the age where I can tell young people about the value of growing older.

That getting older is not just about numbers.
Of course, the reality is that aging is physically more challenging, and mentally, it can be lonely and scary times.
But that’s why I feel so strongly that it’s essential to make the most of my abilities and live daily with self-love and self-care.
As I age, I am convinced that my experiences have made me a wiser person, and I can say that I like being the way I am.

Well, I didn’t do anything special for my birthday this year.
As usual,
– Morning walk with the dogs
-Hand-sewing the pants length for a new gardening jumpsuit
– Aquatic plant gardening
-Watched a movie and cuddled cats
-Eric took me out for my birthday dinner
-In the end, I went to the sea at night when no one was there and very windy (Lumi’s ears are flying because of wind)

– Talk to Eric about my future plans.
– I took a bath with homemade medicinal herbs and fell asleep well.

The best part was that I felt a special, soft vibe and was grateful for being born.
Spending my birthday slowly like this was perfect for me right now.

Some of you may know that I have had some difficult experiences in my life.
Attempted suicide when I was 14 years old.
Moved to the United States at the age of 19.
Stopped drinking alcohol at the age of 29 and have continued to do so.
Diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1993 and recovered in 1995.
Survived a near-death car crash in 2001, and was able to walk after four years in a wheelchair.
In 2019, began recovering from stage IV non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma cancer, despite being diagnosed with only weeks to live in 2017.

My birthday wish is to respect “Sanae,” who has chosen this life and is striving to fulfill the life she has been given.
Maintain good health by caring for my body, mind, spirit, and soul.

As my birthday gifts, I received flowers, cards, voice messages, emails, Messengers, and many messages on Facebook.
I even received messages and emails from people I hadn’t heard from in a long time.
It’s a warm feeling to know that someone cares about me.

A friend sent me a birthday fortune telling.
For those born on April 4, 2024:
The wide variety of your experiences will stretch beyond your dreams. Your bright burning curiosity becomes a spotlight for interconnectedness and unity. Love expands your thinking and sparkles up your lifestyle. You’ll free yourself from excess responsibility and the principles of minimalism will deliver you into clarity and fulfillment. Virgo and Scorpio adore you. Lucky numbers are: 7, 10, 4, 41, 5.

I’m glad that this aligns with what I’m doing now, especially since last year, when I’ve been trying to do what I can slowly and without restricting myself as much as possible.

And gifts from Mother Earth:

Snow in North Fork (a photo was sent to me by a friend from the North Fork) and a rainbow when Eric too me out for my birthday dinner.

I feel grateful for everyone and everything who thought of me on my birthday.

My birthday present for me was a day where I give myself time and carefree day without any worries or pressure, which is truly the most luxurious birthday gift.

Love,
Sanae ❤️

P.S. A few days after I posted this blog, Eric baked a cake and made my favorite strawberry shortcake for my slightly late birthday!
It looks cute, right?
How did it taste?
”…mmhmmhmm”
I wish you could taste it.

Self-Care for Grieving after My Beloved Dog, Happy’s Departure

After five days of rain and wind storms last week, the sun was shining brightly, and the blue skies reflected it.
Usually, I would feel refreshed by the sunshine and blue skies, but my heart was still in darkness as the storm continued.

My beloved dog granddaughter, Happy, who was always by my side, suddenly became unwell and passed away to heaven on the last day of the rainstorm. Just writing this makes me feel a tightening pain in my chest.

My heart is aching, and I have empty, hollow feelings.

I am not ready to write about Happy much.

All I can say now is…Happy was my big-hearted, kind, tolerant, and sweet dog granddaughter.
She was always by my side, like my shadow.
She followed me even if I just went to the next room to get something.
When he couldn’t see me, he wandered around looking for me.
I feel like a ghost now, without a shadow.

I only remember a little of what I did the day she departed seven days ago.

*Seven days is call “Shonanoka” in a Buddhist service held on the seventh day after death. This is when the deceased crosses the River Styx (4000km – 2485.485 miles wide) after she passes 3200km/1988.388mile long steep mountain. Depending on her behavior during life, the stream of the river will change. So, the deceased’s family gather and honor her, sharing good memories and thoughts so that she will receive a gentle stream. I wrote about it on my blog

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2016/08/09/kula-golden-retriever-life-with-her-cancer-part-4/

I started to look at Happy’s most recent photos and Videos. Unfortunately, I did not have many photos of Happy in the last six months. I only took one photo with her (that’s the cover photo).
I was taking more photos of Lumi (Happy’s mom) because she is older and has health issues, so I thought Lumi was going to heaven sooner than Happy.
I wanted to see Happy’s photos of when she was a puppy, but it was too painful so I could not do it.

Happy left, Lumi (Happy’s mom) and me New Year’s day 2024

Even though I had studied animal communication, animal behavior, nutrition, and animal spiritual energy for many years, I did not notice that Happy was not feeling well.

It was a shock. I should have known if she had the health condition.
Now that she’s gone, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

I also felt so bad for Happy’s mother, Lumi, who could not look at and come close to Happy after Happy died.

Three other Happy’s family all looked sad but came close to her and Snif.

I wanted to set up an altar for Happy with the Buddhist traditional “Goku (Five basics),” offering incense, lanterns, flowers, food, and purified water.

Happy’s color was orange, so Eric and I went to the local flower shop with Kai (Happy’s nephew), even though it was still raining a little bit, to get orange flowers.

I set up the altar with a candle, incense, orin (Buddhist bell), water, her favorite blueberry cookies with flowers, etc. I lit the candle and incense, rang the bells, and prayed.

I don’t even remember now what I worshiped. I only remember that I just put my hands together (gasshou).

After that, I put on the music that Happy and I had been listening to, cried a lot, and meditated together for an hour.
I hugged Eric and the dog and cat family over and over again.

On the second day, the Sun came out powerfully, as if so much rain was a lie.

I was moving mechanically, not wanting to do anything.

But when I looked at all of Happy’s family, I took them out for a walk as usual without thinking. The first walking team is Happy’s mom, Lumi and Happy’s nephew, Kai.

Happy used to walk with them, so my heart was not there with me, and the deep inside of me was numb, but I felt that Happy was walking with us.

When I returned home, there was a voice message from a *CSC (Cancer Support Community) blood cancer member that she wouldn’t be at the Zoom meeting, so if I was going to be there, she wanted me to let the group know.

*The CSC (Cancer Support Community) Blood Cancer group, which I joined about seven years ago when I got stage IV Lymphoma Cancer.

It has been helping me to hear what other people are going through physically and emotionally with their blood cancer and get more information about treatments, hospitals, oncologists, etc.

I was trying to decide if I was up to be on Zoom/seeing other people.

I wanted to see how my long-time friend, John, was doing after his last chemotherapy. Ironically, John came to see me when I was taking chemotherapy for stage IV lymphoma, and three years later, he got lymphoma. I invited him to join the CSC’s Blood Cancer meeting, and he has been attending.

I knew the Zoom meeting had started, and time was passing. My heart said, I want to attend the Zoom meeting.

I clicked on Zoom connection. Previously, when I was late joining the meeting, I did not get a call to share till the end of the meeting, but the facilitator asked me how I was doing after the person speaking when I joined.

I was not expecting to share so soon; I did not know what to say.

My breath caught, and I checked. I had to think for a moment about what to say.

I said, “One of the members of CSC left a voice message to ask me to convey the message, and I also wanted to see how John is doing…”

I started crying and said, “I am sorry, I am not myself today….”

I corrected what I said and continued, “Actually, I am myself.”

I took a deep breath and said, “My dog daughter, Happy, passed away about 24 hours ago.”

My tears came down, and I could not stop crying. I felt my heart was aching.

The pain that feels like my chest is being torn apart.

I took another deep breath.

“I am grieving and feeling guilt for Happy that I may not have done the right things for her needs since I thought her mother, Lumi, was going to die before her, and I was focusing on Lumi more than Happy in the last six months.”

“I am so sorry, Happy!”

I blew my nose, then said,

“I am in so much pain, and tremendous sadness of tsunami is coming into my whole being.”

When I lost someone, including an animal family, during a previous grieving period time, I grieved so much. It must have lowered my immune system, and I got cancer twice.

One was after my father passed, I got ovarian cancer. The other one was 6 months after my beloved dog’s daughter, who was my service dog, Kula, passed, I got stage IV lymphoma.

So, I continue sharing on the Zoom CSC meeting.

“In the past, losing someone with whom I had strong connections and unfinished issues or regrets made my strength weak, and my immune system went lower.”

“I am grieving, and I have a fear of losing my health once again, so I need to look back at what I can improve to cope with grieving and self-care.”

As I looked back, I realized my experience of grieving has different shapes and colors depending on who passed away.

When my mother passed away, I was sad, and I grieved, of course, but I communicated with her to accept who she was and also let her know who I was to her before she passed away so I had peace later on.

Since living in America, I have sent a family of 16 animals to heaven.
Raising animals is not an easy task, and I was sad when they left.
But with the animal family that I was able to communicate with and connect with, grief was like a big wave in the ocean that I could surf, and I didn’t drown. I missed them and at the same time accepted their departure.

I looked back; how did I do when my father and Kula passed away?

When my father passed away:

I could not communicate with my father before he passed away.

I knew his health was not well, so I visited him one month before he passed away in Japan. I went to his favorite restaurant with my sister and we had a good time.

I called him at the airport before departing to return to America, but he did not answer and never called me back. His secretary said he was on a business trip so that he would contact me later, but he never did.

When I received a phone call three weeks later that he was in critical condition and went to see him in Japan the next day, he was already unconscious and passed away eight hours later.

I had to return to Japan to help my mother and deal with the situation at my father’s business company seven times in one year.

The extreme stress did not give me a space for me to grieve.
I got so exhausted.
Then, the following year, my first husband filed for divorce, and one of my dogs, whom I rescued on the street, died. Then, I had to foreclose my condo when I lost money on the divorce.

I was grieving and so much stress, but not knowing I was. I started to lose my health and got ovarian cancer.

When my beloved dog’s daughter, who was my service dog, Kula, passed away,

Eric (my current husband) and I tried to save our restaurant Seed Kitchen, but the landlord and realtor did not help us at all. We lost the lease, and the realtor sued us. We had to close the restaurant after Kula died.

Eric and I argued so much about the restaurant those days. I was focusing on accommodating the restaurant customers, employees, my students and clients.

I had no time for proper grieving till and for resting much. All I was doing was repairing our damage after closing the restaurant. Six months later, I got stage IV lymphoma.

The CSC facilitator asked me, “How do you not get sick/cancer from this grief?”

It is a good point for me to think and address the issues. Healthy grieving is facing the pain and dealing with it. It is work and no shortcut.

How do I do that?

I checked the blog I wrote about grieving in 2016 when Kula passed.

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2017/02/01/grief/

I was not aware of grief till much later since I was taking care of the restaurant we had at that time, and we lost it, so it was more than just losing Kula.

It took time to see that I was grieving over losing our restaurant, which had been one of our dreams.

Another was rebuilding my relationship with Eric after it got ripped off because of the stress of keeping and closing the restaurant.

We all have weak links in ourselves.

I realized my weakest link, which was when I lost someone, something that it meant to me and I could not accept, which led to grief, drained my immune system, and l lost my health.

This time, I admit that I am going through grieving as soon as Happy departure.

I am releasing my grief by connecting with “＊Pet Loss Support Group” and starting to work on my healing journals.

＊Pet Loss Support Group

https://www.lapoflove.com/our-services/pet-loss-support

I face the weakest point and need to change it to my strength.

Cry when I need to.

Work on guilt, regret, blame, fear, anger, and connection to forgive, especially me.

Softening the pain – talking to people who can support and respect my feelings and tell me the right words.

Writing is one of my tools to heal myself, so I want to write about how I give myself “Self-Care.”

Continue daily walking with the dog family, art, and gardening, being nature as usual.

Herbal tea and Bach flower remedies for sadness/grieving, moxibustion, reiki, massage, and herbal aroma baths, etc.
I take care of myself with a lot of “self-care.”

I planted Grevillea Superb (it has orange color flowers since orange was Happy’s color) bush tree (Happy loved a bush plant) in the front side garden with Eric.

I haven’t been able to communicate much with Happy since she passed away, but I heard her voice while I was planting Grevillea Superb.

“Mommy, what a beautiful flowers for me. I love the orange color!”

“I am happy that you decided that no surgery proceed and took me home from the cardiologist so I could go to heaven from the home where I was born.

Happy leaving the cardiologist’s office without surgery

I know you wished we had a little more time after we returned from the cardiologist, and me too. But my heart was not strong enough to live anymore.”

“I thank you so much for all you did;

I was the happiest dog since you were my everything and are the one I lived for.

I learned to spread joy and love because you gave me joy and love every day. “

“You taught me how to help heal other people.”

“I hope you continue to take care of your health and live a much longer life so I may return to be with you.”

“Right now, I am also shocked that I had to leave.

I know you are in shock and feeling guilty.

But Mommy, you looked at my face when I left; I was not in pain, and I was a beautiful girl as you always told me.”

Happy’s face right after she depatured

“You and Daddy took care of me so well.”

“I thank you so much!”

“I will see you again, either there on the earth or in heaven for sure, until we see each other again next time.”

“By the way, I am using my dog mom, Lumi’s body, to visit you, which you may have already noticed.”

“I heard you said, 「Lumi is getting up without our help and following everywhere I go, just like Happy.” (Lumi has arthritis and has not been able to get up on her own much)

“Lumi is sleeping soundless without snoring like Happy” (Lumi snored so much all the time while she is sleeping)) and “Lumi is drooling just like Happy when she wants something to eat and waiting.” (Lumi never drooled)

That’s right, Mommy, I am there with you in my dog Mom Lumi’s body.

Now you know how much I want to be there with you!”

” Thank you for cookies, clean water (Happy liked only clean water), candles, incense, and beautiful flower bouquets!

I am so blessed and loved because I am your girl forever!”

I looked up at the sky and hugged her spirit!
And told her,
“Happy- Arigatou!
You did a great job giving me and everyone joy, love, and happiness
I am so happy you came into my life.
Thank you for always being by my side!
I’m looking forward to seeing you again.”

I am so grateful that Happy communicated with me.

When I am ready, I want to write a tribute to Happy’s life: her story with photos. Set up a memorial in Happy’s honor.

Today is Happy’s first 7th day (*Shonanoka), so I would like to hold a memorial service for her in my own way.

*Shonanoka

Shonanona is a Buddhist service held on the seventh day after death. This is when the deceased crosses the River Styx (4000km – 2485.485 miles wide) after she passes 3200km/1988.388mile long steep mountain. Depending on her behavior during life, the stream of the river will change. So, the deceased’s family gather and honor her, sharing good memories and thoughts so that she will receive a gentle stream.

I post it on my blog

https://sanaesuzuki.com/2016/08/09/kula-golden-retriever-life-with-her-cancer-part-4/

My gratitude to Happy with all my heart!

Love,

Sanae ❤️