Reflection

End of 2024.
I reflected on this year of 2024 as challenging since I felt stuck and not moving forward for me.

However, this was a fruitful year in which I learned that this state of standing still is the time necessary to move on to the next step.
Of course, even though I can write this now, it was not easy, and I got irritated and even sad.

But it allowed me to cherish my feelings, spend each day quietly, and do what I could with gratitude even when my moody feelings were elsewhere. I observed my emotions – breathing in and out, meditating.
It was important to me to see the things I didn’t like about myself.

I lost interest in many things but somehow wanted to hand-stitches. 
What is my attraction for wanting to hand-stitches?

 

One day, I remember when I was in elementary school, a classmate named “Akemi”-chan （a charming classmate）always wore fashionable clothes made by her mother. I dreamed of being able to make my own clothes since my mother was not crafty.
No one in my family did anything like art or crafty, but I have been attracted to making something since I was six years old with my hand, gardening, Japanese calligraphy, crocheting, “hanga” wood print, and embroidery.
I really wanted to master using a sewing machine and make cute, fashionable clothes like Akemi-chan was wearing.

Around that time, a home economics class assignment was to make pajamas using a sewing machine. I was excited and asked my mother to buy one, but the sewing machine she bought me was different from the one at school, and as a 10-year-old, I used it without guidance and broke the machine.
My mother scolded me. I felt so bad and lost confidence in using the sewing machine.

I never wanted to use a sewing machine anymore, but I have continued to enjoy making things with my hand: weaving, knitting, and crocheting.

In 2017, I found a sewing class in my neighborhood where you could sew pants using a sewing machine, so I decided to try it. I finished sewing the pants and got a sewing machine, but I didn’t feel very excited about it.

Why?
I think, I was still scared that I might break it again.
Also, I did not like the mechanical sound.
It might be the same as preparing sesame seeds in a mortar and pestle, but it suits my personality better than using a food processor when cooking.

I continued hand stitching Sashiko (traditional Japanese embroidery) more and enjoyed it very much.
It fits in my lifestyle and quietness.
I realized that whenever I felt stuck, I stitched.
When I got COVID-19 and after a neighbor’s dog attacked one of my dogs, Nalu and me, I was feeling blue.

 

This year, I also completed a masterpiece of embroidery, which I had not done since elementary school. It was using natural dye threads. I learned more than ever the joy and enjoyment of stitches by hand.

It is unthinkable for me, who was so active and did not have time to sit for a long time before I got ovarian cancer in 1993. At that time, I was going all over the place doing things like scuba diving and skydiving.

After I recovered from ovarian cancer, I started studying and teaching macrobiotics and started traveling here and there again.
Then, in 2001, I was left bedridden after a near-death car accident.
The doctor diagnosed I couldn’t even walk and would be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Before the car accident, I went to a ceramic studio two or three times a week but could not do it anymore.

I had to learn to find joy and enjoy my life by doing things I could do while sitting in my wheelchair.
Without this challenge, I might not have been able to sit down and slowly hand-stitchche Sashiko and write my books and blogs.

 

In 2017, I was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma and was given less than a month to live. 
I was shocked to hear I got another cancer.  I knew I was grieving losing my precious service dog, Kula, and my husband and I had closed our Seed Kitchen restaurant six months before. I was extremely exhausted from eight years in the restaurant business.

At the same time, I felt it was time to initiate my life again connection with myself; otherwise, I would have lost it. I slowed down and found even a moment of joy each day with myself when I was taking chemotherapy.

One of the things I found is how to live by creating my hand and making something I can enjoy and share with others.

Amid all these challenges, I am overwhelmed by the peace of mind that allows me to accept the changes in my body and mind and do what I can little by little.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe it was planned for me to lead this way of life ever since I broke the sewing machine my mother bought, and my life is annica and impermanent.

I observe my breath one breath at a time and do Sashiko as I live my life one stitch at a time.

As we move into the Year of the Snake 2025, I wish everyone a year filled with wisdom, growth, and good fortune.
I hope to support your healing continuously, even in a small way.

Love,

Sanae❤️

 

P.S. I am grateful to be able to teach my first sashiko class at Japanese American Culture Community Center (JACCC).
https://jaccc.org/events/sashiko-basics-introduction-workshop-for-beginners/